


odds and ends

by lionquiet



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Threats of Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:00:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24989443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionquiet/pseuds/lionquiet
Summary: Ellie doesn’t go back to Jackson.She thinks about Dina almost constantly.It only gets her in trouble from time to time.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 89
Kudos: 408





	1. Chapter 1

Ellie doesn’t go back to Jackson.

It would make sense for her to go back. Her life, her friends, Tommy, Dina, JJ, Joel, or at least, Joel’s grave… everything she has left in this world is there in the mountains, waiting.

(She hopes, _prays_ it’s all still there).

But still, Ellie doesn’t return. She can’t. She knows she doesn’t deserve Jackson. She doesn’t deserve the life waiting for her there. Her friends, Tommy, Dina, JJ… she doesn’t deserve a single thing. But sometimes, at night, Ellie can’t help but think about Dina.

She thinks about Dina packing up their things and traveling the miles back to Jackson alone. She thinks about Dina cursing out Tommy for ever asking Ellie to leave, for insisting that she hunt Abby in his stead. She wonders if Dina’s forgiven him. Probably - Dina always had a big heart.

(She wonders if Dina would ever forgive her.)

She thinks about how Dina probably drops JJ off at Robin’s house sometimes, how happy Jesse’s parents must be to spend time with their grandson. She wonders if JJ has any friends. She wonders if Dina still thinks about her, or if she’s written her off, as good as dead in her mind.

Ellie thinks about Dina. She thinks about her when she wakes up, every time she hears a noise off in the distance, when she hunts, when she kills. Everything she does, Ellie thinks about Dina. Misses her. She thinks about Dina when it rains, or when the sun sets. She thinks about her every time a song finds its way into her head. She thinks about Dina as she lies in her bed - Dina’s eyes, Dina’s smile, Dina’s hands, Dina’s laugh - until her mind can’t take anymore and she surrenders to sleep.

_Dina, Dina, Dina._

Sometimes, on the nights where she’s feeling the need to be particularly cruel to herself, Ellie lets herself imagine what it would be like if she had never left the farm. On even worse nights, she imagines herself going back to Jackson. Sometimes she even lets Dina forgive her, in her dreams. She knows she shouldn’t, that the indulgence will only leave her with a sense of longing that will cut deeper and deeper, leaving wounds that she can never hope to heal. But she does.

She thinks about Dina almost constantly.

It only gets her in trouble from time to time.

* * *

She almost walks right into the horde. She probably would have, to be perfectly honest, if it weren’t for the screams of whatever poor animal they were having for dinner.

Ellie stops in her tracks when she hears it, way too close for comfort. She peers through the bush in front of her to see a crowd of about ten infected, blood-soaked and gleeful as they tear into a moose. The poor thing looks her in the eyes as it heaves its last few breaths.

“Fuck,” Ellie exhales.

She takes a step back, then another. The next step has her walking straight into something. She jumps, tries her hardest not to scream, and turns around just in time to catch the stalker’s throat in her right hand, keeping its open jaw as far away from her as possible.

Something shiny catches her eye, dangling around the infected’s neck - a hasma charm on a chain, swallowed by the stalker’s fungus-ridden skin.

 _(Dina, Dina, Dina)_.

She glances at her own bracelet, then pushes as hard as she can, sending it backwards. The thing screams as it trips over a rock before scattering into a bush, its ambush thwarted.

Ellie doesn’t wait to find out if the horde heard it shout; she knows from experience that they have. She just starts running, hoping the persistent pain in her side won’t slow her down.

* * *

The infected chase her into a neighborhood, but they seem to lose track of her when she scales a wooden fence and finds an open door in a house at the end of a cul-de-sac. She grabs a chair, props it against the doorknob, and leans against the wall to catch her breath.

“Fuckers.”

After a minute she straightens, looks around. The house is like one she’s been in thousands of times before - just a generic little two-story, like the ones in the neighborhoods outside of Jackson, the ones that she used to clear with Dina on patrols.

 _(Dina, Dina, Dina)_.

Ellie shakes off the thought and walks into the kitchen. She figures she’ll probably be trapped in here a few hours at least - might as well have a look for supplies and clear the rooms while she’s at it.

She’s not surprised to see that the house has been nearly cleaned out at this point. The open door was a lucky find for fleeing a horde of infected, but a bad sign that anything useful would still remain inside.

The kitchen is empty - drawers pulled, cabinets flung open - and the living room isn’t much better. She manages to find an old tool box in a closet and grabs the hammer from it, just in case.

She doesn’t hear anything upstairs, but decides to check anyway. She does her best to ignore the photos of a family on the wall on her way up - they’re too similar to the ones they had around the farm.

The first two rooms she enters are bedrooms - one for the adults of the house, if she had to guess, and another for a young girl (if the pink walls and Barbie dolls are anything to go by). She doesn’t find anything useful in either of them.

The last door in the hallway is closed, and Ellie puts her hand on her blade before she cracks it open. She isn’t ready for what’s inside.

Powder blue walls, with cracked and peeling wallpaper of a cloudy day; a giant teddy bear tucked in a corner and a mobile of stars, hanging from the ceiling above a dusty white crib. There’s a blanket folded in the middle of the crib, a pattern of zoo animals dancing across the bottom.

JJ had a strikingly similar one. He couldn’t sleep without it.

Ellie lets the door shut behind her, the thump of it closing barely registering as a rush of memories floods her. She squeezes her eyes shut, surprised to find tears there. She doesn’t cry much nowadays, despite it all. She stands there for a moment.

If she concentrates hard enough, she can hear Dina, singing lullabies.

She steadies herself, then takes a few steps forward towards the crib. She bends down and picks up the blanket, lifts it to her nose. It smells like dust.

“Oh, little spud…”

She sits on the floor, holding the blanket in her lap, and lets herself cry.

* * *

Ellie wakes to the sun in her eyes. She groans, turning her face to bury her nose in her pillow. It takes her a moment to realize that it is not, in fact, her pillow, but the baby blanket she’d found in the crib. And she’s not in her bed, next to her girlfriend and child - she’s on the floor, cold and alone.

She stretches as she rises, not letting go of the blanket. She decides to keep it, folding it and tucking it away in her backpack. It’s not JJ’s, but it’s close enough.

Her hand is on the doorknob to go back downstairs when she hears them, clear as day - infected, in the house.

 _Shit._ The door must’ve opened, somehow, or maybe she hadn’t done as thorough a job as she thought of checking the house for entry points. Either way, she can’t leave through the front door.

There’s no lock in this room, and she weighs whether or not it would be worth it to make a commotion moving a dresser to block the door. It’s small, and would probably only slow them down by a few seconds. She grabs her backpack, pulls out the hammer, and makes for the window instead.

It hasn’t been touched in years, and creaks loudly as she throws it open. Ellie grimaces, but it’s too late now - she can hear the infected coming up the stairs seconds later. She slams the window shut behind her, hoping it will hold.

The roof is flat enough that she’s not sliding off of it, but her footing isn’t sure enough for comfort. She walks as fast as she can manage to the other side, where she’s pretty sure there was a balcony coming off the master bedroom.

Unfortunately, there’s another infected waiting there for her.

 _Today is not my day._

It spots her almost immediately, and Ellie barely has enough time to get onto solid ground before it’s in her face. She ducks as it lunges for her, but it catches her by her shirt and she stumbles backwards, landing with a thud on the ground. She holds the runner by its shoulders, happy that, in a former life, this one must’ve been pretty underweight.

They wrestle, Ellie punching at its face until it’s knocked off kilter enough that she can swing around so she’s pinning it down. Her good hand wraps around the runner’s throat, holding it against the ground as she reaches for her hammer. His legs thrash against the floorboards, and she remembers the feeling of Abby underneath her, legs kicking as she fought for life, each kick weaker and weaker than the last.

Ellie chokes down the memory. She’d given up everything she ever loved, hellbent on avenging Joel’s brutal death, and she couldn’t even finish the fucking job. “Idiot,” she curses at herself under her breath, then crushes the runner’s skull.

She’s stands, wiping a trickle of blood off of her brow. She tucks the hammer in the waistband as she considers her options. She can’t climb down from here easily, but there’s a small shed next to the house that looks like it will hold if she jumps to it.

There are more runners in the backyard, so she’ll have to be quick to get over the fence before they see her. The yard next door looks clear, at least. Maybe luck will be on her side today.

Ellie holds onto that thought for all of five seconds before her foot catches on a fencepost as she attempts the jump, and she slams unceremoniously into the ground. It’s not a soft landing. Her breath is knocked clean out of her, and she can’t help the shout that’s forced out at the impact.

She can hear the runners behind her immediately. She turns to see one of them quickly clawing through a hole in the fence. It can’t quite make it, but its arms fit through well enough to grab Ellie’s leg. Another infected tears at the boards of the fence next to the hole, and she knows she doesn’t have time to try to catch her breath.

“Fuck you.” She kicks one the closest one in the face, its jaw cracking as it splinters sideways. The second one breaks through and makes a grab for her, biting her shoe. But his bite can’t get through her canvas sneaker, and Ellie thinks of Dina, making fun of her footwear. _If only she could see me now._

 _Dina, Dina —_ fuck, now is really not the time for this. She pulls the hammer from her pants and brings it down on the runner’s head, and he stills. She shakes her leg loose from his limp hand, and forces herself to stand, ignoring the ever-constant throbbing in her side from the fucking Rattlers fucking trap.

There are too many infected here, and she has to keep moving. She can hear them on the other side of the house. This neighborhood is swarming with them.

It only takes a few seconds before one comes around the other side of the house and spots her.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” she says, then takes off running. She swings her backpack around her front to get her gun out — the noise of it will probably make the situation worse, but she doesn’t have many other options right now. The horde from last night hasn’t dispersed. If anything, it’s only grown larger.

“Fuck, shit, fuck,” she says as she rounds the corner of the house to find a street practically full of runners. The area is mostly residential, but there is a building with a fire escape at the end of the street. It’s not much, but it’s the best shot she has.

She makes a run for it. She doesn’t look back, but she can feel them close behind her. It sounds like its at least several on her tail, but she doesn’t want to cost herself precious seconds by turning to find out. She sprints at full speed towards the building, cursing when she sees the ladder is pulled up past her reach.

 _Fuck it,_ she thinks, not slowing her pace. She only has one shot, and she launches herself up at the ladder, her fingers barely grasping the edges of the rung. Her upper-body strength has gone to shit since she left the farmhouse - she hasn’t exactly been well fed - and the few seconds it takes her to pull herself upwards cost her. Something grabs at her leg, pulling hard, and the weight of it is too much. She falls.

She hits the ground, her head bouncing with a sickening _thump_ against the pavement. Her arms raise to protect her face automatically, knowing that it will be only seconds until she’s surrounded.

“Ellie!”

Gunshots ring out. Ellie groans as one of the runners falls on top of her, the dead weight knocking the breath out of her again. Today isn’t a good day for her lungs.

She loses track of the gunshots, but she doesn’t feel herself getting eaten, so whoever her savior is, they seem to be doing a good job. Her head hurts too badly for her thoughts to be heard over, and she feels like she’s in a half dream as she forces her eyes to stay open.

After a minute someone’s hands land on Ellie’s shoulders, and all she can do is hope that they belong to a living person. Her eyes refuse to focus as she’s turned onto her back.

“Don’t you dare die on me,” a woman’s voice says. Fingers press against her neck, and she hears a sigh - relief? Her head spins. She feels the blood pooling beneath her, warm and slick against her neck.

“I’m getting you out of here,” the voice says. Her head throbs. The voice is one she’s heard many times before. The blood is at her shoulders now, soaking into her shirt. The voice says something else, but she doesn’t hear it. The familiar tone is comforting, and she feels her self slipping away.

“Hang on, Ellie.”

 _Dina?_

Ellie tries to force her eyes open, but the pain her head is too great, and the world falls out from underneath her as she loses consciousness.

* * *

The world is bright when her eyes crack open again. She’s outside and alive, surprisingly. She groans, then coughs. Her ribs hurt. She must’ve taken a nasty fall.

“Oh, thank god,” someone says next to her, and Ellie regrets the speed she snaps her head around to find at the source of the voice. Maria is sitting next to a fire, looking at her with concern. “I thought you were a goner for a bit there. Anyone ever tell you you bleed a lot?”

“Maria?” Ellie’s voice is hoarse, scraping against her throat as she speaks.

“Yeah, kid. Knocked your head pretty good there, huh?”

“What — what are you doing here?”

“Routine patrol. Heard a commotion and spotted someone through the scope, running like a madman. I got down here as soon as I could. Imagine my surprise when I found you, unconscious in the middle of a horde of runners. You’re lucky they didn’t tear you apart, you know?”

“They tried,” Ellie says, a chuckle devoid of humor escaping her lips. She winces as she pushes herself up against the dirt. She must’ve landed on her arm when she fell through that floor. She hopes it isn’t broken. It had taken months to heal from her fight with Abby at the theater.

She looks around. They’re on the other side of the woods from where Ellie came through earlier. She can see the Jackson water tower through the trees.

“Huh. Guess I got closer to town than I meant to. I’m uh, I’m just passing through.”

“You’re not coming home?” Maria asks. She sighs when Ellie shakes her head. “I guess I can understand that. It’s been a while. Everyone misses you.”

Ellie draws in a deep breath, thinking of Dina. “I… I miss everyone. But I just can’t.”

Maria nods. “I understand.”

Ellie is surprised. She would have expected more of an argument from Maria. Maybe Dina has told her about what she did, how she left. Maybe it reminded her of all the times Tommy had left her. Maybe Maria doesn’t want her to come back.

She forces herself to her feet, trying not to let on to just how much pain she’s in. She doesn’t think she’s successful. Maria has a thinly veiled look of pity in her eyes as she watches Ellie struggle to pick up her backpack.

She’s trying to think of the least awkward way to say she needs to get as far away from Jackson as she can, as soon as possible, when Maria speaks up again. “Tommy went back to the farm, you know. “

“Oh?”

Maria nods. ”To apologize, I think. When he found it empty he assumed you had gone to get her.”

“He was right,” Ellie says, but doesn’t give away any more than that. She doesn’t feel like this is the right time to reveal what went down in Santa Barbara. She’s not sure she’ll ever be ready to admit that, especially not to Tommy.

“It wasn’t fair of him to ask that of you.”

Ellie nods, looking off into the distance. She thinks for a moment. “Maybe. But I understand why he did it.”

“Well, I don’t think I ever will.” Maria shakes her head. “For a man who is so loyal to his family, he sure has a habit of abandoning his.”

“You two still on the outs, then?”

Maria nods, her mouth a thin line. “And you? Where is that Dina, anyhow? Surprised she lets you wander out this far.”

Ellie stops. She looks at Maria for a second, panic rising in her throat like bile. “What do you mean, ‘where’s Dina?’”

“Just what I said,” Maria replies, brow furrowing when Ellie takes a step back as if she’s been hit. “What’s wrong?”

Her heart thumps loudly in her chest, pumping ice cold blood through her veins. “Dina didn’t go back to Jackson?”

Maria’s mouth opens, then closes. Her frown returns, deeper now. “Oh, honey… I’m sorry…”

Ellie shakes her head. “No, no she _has_ to be there. She’s not at the farm. She had to go to Jackson. Where else would she go? That’s where her whole life is. And JJ, she would’ve wanted him to be with his grandparents. She would’ve wanted him to have a family.”

Maria doesn’t stop her, and fresh wave of fear washes over her. It prickles at her skin, working its way out in the sweat across her brow.

 _We’re a family_ , she hears Dina say. _She doesn’t get to be more important than that._

Maria shakes her head. “Maybe… maybe she went back to New Mexico.”

Ellie’s nails eat into her palms. “She wouldn’t bring JJ there. It wasn’t safe.”

She paces for a moment, trying to single in on a thought, but her mind is racing. “Oh fuck,” she says, bringing her hands up to her head, squeezing to try to relieve the pressure building there.

“Hey now,” Maria says, reaching for her, but Ellie shrugs her off, a bit too violently.

“Fuck,” Ellie says again, this time voice barely rising to a whisper. Her eyes burn, her heart races, her lungs ache. She feels like she can’t breathe, like she isn’t sure of when the last time she even took a breath was. She squeezes her eyes shut, forcing herself to inhale through her nose, holding the breath there for a few seconds - a technique Dina had taught her to deal with her panic attacks at the farm.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

She had never considered that Dina hadn’t gone back to Jackson. Why hadn’t she considered it? She wants to tear out her hair. How could she have never wondered if Dina was _safe_? How much time had she wasted feeling sorry for herself, when Dina and JJ might be in danger, might be…

She’s nauseous. Her palms land on her thighs, stabilizing her as she heaves, suddenly sick into a bush. Maria’s hand is on her back, unsure of how to comfort her.

“Ellie, Ellie,” Maria’s hands rise to her arms to grip her. “It’s okay. Come on, it’s okay. Just breathe,” Maria says.

“Sorry,” Ellie says, blinking her eyes open. “Sorry,” she repeats, still winded. She takes a stumbling step backwards. “I have to… I have to go. I have to look for her. She could be — what if they’re —“

“You need to rest,” Maria says. “Come back to Jackson. Just for the night. We’ll get that arm looked at and a few good meals in you.”

“No, I— ” Ellie starts, but Maria’s grip is firm on her arm.

“Come on now. You won’t be any good to them dead,” Maria says.

_It’ll be more use than I was to them alive._

But Maria doesn’t let go, and Ellie knows there is no use in arguing. It’s not like she has anywhere else to go.

They begin to walk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! I finished the game on saturday and have been thinking about it pretty much non-stop since.


	2. Chapter 2

The lights of Jackson are blinding.

Ellie feels like a kid again, small and weak as she’s led through the gates by Maria. This time there is no Joel by her side.

The sun has just set, and the streets are mostly empty. She figures most people are inside with their families, eating dinner by now. Her own stomach grumbles, but she ignores it, head down as she follows Maria. She feels as if she's being watched, and wishes she could disappear into the ground. As grateful as she is for Maria’s help, she does not want to be here.

“Hey,” Maria says, getting her attention. “What do you say we get you some dinner and a good night’s sleep? We can go to the infirmary tomorrow.”

Ellie wants to argue, say that she doesn’t need to be checked out, but her head is still throbbing and her arm is hanging stiffly against her side. She wouldn’t win that argument, not against Maria.

“Do you mind if we just go back to your house?” Ellie asks. It’s not that she’s not hungry - she’s practically starving - but she doesn’t want to run into anyone. She doesn’t want to deal with the questions. Not tonight.

Maria seems to understand. “Of course. How about I get you settled then bring us back some food?”

Ellie nods, feeling once again like a child.

* * *

**4 YEARS EARLIER**

* * *

“I’m so glad you made it back this way,” Maria says, leading Joel and Ellie down the main road. “You’re going to like it here.”

“I know,” Joel says, stealing a glance over to Ellie. He looks at her expectantly.

“Oh — yeah, I’m _sure_ we will,” she says. Her fake enthusiasm isn’t lost on Maria, who chuckles.

“Well, at the very least, it beats living out there. You can stay with me and Tommy for a few days while we get you guys a space. We’ll be having a little get together later on down at the church. You two should come by, meet some folks.”

“Ellie?” Joel turns to her.

“Huh? Oh yeah - sounds good.”

Joel shoots her another look, clearly not impressed with her efforts. She's not trying to be rude, she's just... uncomfortable, frankly. She hasn’t lived near this many people since her time in the QZ.

It isn’t exactly a happy memory.

“Great,” Maria says. “I’m going to go find Tommy, let him know you’re here.”

“Sounds good,” Joel says. “We’ll catch up in a bit.”

Ellie lets her gaze wander to a girl, walking across the snowy path in front of them. She feels an uneasy stirring feeling in her stomach, looking at her. She wonders why. It could be because the last time she met another kid her age, things had ended very, very badly. _Poor Sam,_ she thinks.

But that won’t happen here. They’ll be safe here.

Joel promised.

“Hey, Jesse!” the girls shouts as she approaches a larger group of kids gathered in front of one of the buildings. She can’t hear what they’re saying from here, but she does hear a chorus of laughter that makes her smile without really knowing why.

When she looks back at Joel he’s wearing a small smile of his own. “What?” she asks. He just shakes his head. “C’mon, what is it?”  
“Why don’t you go…” he nods his head towards the group of teens. “You know, play with the other kids?”

Ellies crosses her arms. “Did you seriously just tell me to go ‘play with the other kids?’ Like, you hear yourself, right?”

He sighs. “Ellie… Look, all I’m saying is that you have a chance at a semi-normal life, here. You should at least try. For me?”

Ellie rolls her eyes, but she smiles. “Yeah, yeah, okay. For you. And just for one day. Then I’m gonna spend the rest of my years as a hermit. Cool?”

Joel smiles back. “Yeah, kiddo. Cool.” He looks around and finds Maria, still within earshot. “Hey Maria, wait up.”

He jogs to catch up with his sister-in-law, and Ellie is suddenly left feeling nervous and alone. She’s never really had to make friends before. It’s never been a priority, and now… well, she doesn’t know how.

She kicks at the dirt, considering how she could convincingly lie to Joel and get him to believe that she’d at least made an attempt, when she hears a voice.

“Hey - you’re new here, right?”

Ellie looks up to see the same girl, looking at her with a slight smile. Her dark brown hair is pulled into a short pony-tail. Freckles dot her face, and her large brown eyes stare into Ellie.

Ellie’s voice suddenly isn’t easy to find. She nods. “Uh - yeah, yep. That’s me. Ellie.”

The girl smiles. “Cool. We were just about to go get dinner, if you want to come?”

“Yeah? Yeah. That sounds nice.”

The girl starts to walk, and Ellie takes a few quick steps to catch up.

“I’m Dina, by the way.”

“Ellie,” she answers. Dina’s smile is teasing, and Ellie quickly realizes her mistake. “But I already said that.”

“You did,” Dina said. “But I don’t mind — it’s a pretty name.”

* * *

**4 YEARS LATER**

* * *

Maria’s couch is comfortable enough, but Ellie still can’t seem to sleep through the night. She wakes with nightmares — some of Joel, some of Abby, but mostly of Dina.

The sun is painting its way across the living room floorboards when there’s a knock at the door. Ellie swings her legs off the couch, starting to stand to answer it, but whoever is behind it isn’t waiting. The door creaks open.

“Maria, hey, I —“ Tommy stops short when his gaze falls to her. He looks as if he’s seen a ghost, face suddenly drained of all its color. “Oh my… Ellie?”

Ellie scratches at the back of her head, hoping that this might be another nightmare. “Hey, Tommy.” She’s been dreading this encounter. She was hoping she would be out of here before running into Joel’s brother.

She’s surprised when he doesn’t immediately launch into questions about what happened in Santa Barbara. Instead, he crosses the room — as quickly as he can — and wraps her in a near-suffocating hug. Ellie is stiff, unsure, but returns it as best she can, patting him on the shoulder.

“God, I thought you were dead.” She can hear the tears in his voice. The sun has only just risen, but she already smells alcohol on him. She hopes it’s from the night before.

“Surprise,” she says, but Tommy doesn’t laugh. He sniffs before he takes a step back, wiping at his eyes.

“You okay? You look okay, for the most part. Where’s Dina? The kid with you?”

Ellie falters. “Oh, uh. No. I don’t… I don’t know where Dina is.” Tommy frowns, confusion etched in his brow, and she knows she’ll have to explain further. “She didn’t come with me, when I left, and I thought she would’ve come back to Jackson, but…”

Tommy’s face falls further. He looks so much older than the few months that have passed since they’ve last seen each other would allow. “I went back to the farm. To apologize, for what I said to you. I was just… I was so angry. At myself, at my inability to go after that woman on my own. But the house was empty, and I just assumed… You have no idea where she might have gone?”

Ellie’s face is grim. “No.”

Tommy’s eyes water again. “This is all my fault. I’m sorry.”

Ellie is sure now, looking at his worn face, that he’s been drinking more recently than last night.

Just then, Maria comes down the stairs.

“Oh. Hello, Tommy.” Her voice is even less welcoming than her words.

He swats at a tear as he backs away, looking at his wife. Ex-wife? Ellie isn’t sure, at this point, where they stand. “Maria.”

“You need something?”

“Oh, no, I — well actually I came here for something, but I forgot what for.”

He sways on his feet, and Ellie is wonders whether it’s from the alcohol or his damaged leg. Maybe both.

“Right,” Maria says, lips pressing into a thin line. “Well, Ellie and I have some business to attend to, so if you don’t mind…”

“Yeah,” Tommy says, glancing back at Ellie. “I’m real glad you’re okay, Ellie.”

She’s far from it, but she nods anyway. “Thanks.”

“I’ll see you around.”

She doesn’t argue as he turns to leave, even though she knows she has no intention of staying in Jackson for long.

* * *

Maria brings her to the clinic.

The doctor shines a light in her eyes, and she can tell from his frown that what he sees there isn’t good. Gentle hands feel their way up her forearm, and she tries not to wince as they touch uneven bone where Abby had twisted until she heard a crack. He takes her temperature and her pulse. He checks her side — the pressure of the doctor’s fingertips makes her gasp out in pain that she’s unable to hide.

He forces a smile as he walks away, saying he’ll be right back.

“She has a concussion, and her arm is fractured. It doesn’t look like it healed properly from it’s last break, either. Then there’s the matter of that nasty stab wound in her side…. It’s badly infected. She’s lucky to be alive,” she hears him tell Maria.

She wonders why he’s not telling this to her. She’s not a child, and Maria isn’t her caretaker. But when Maria sees that Ellie is watching them, she nods her head to the side, urging the doctor to take a few steps out of earshot.

Ellie stares at her hands as she waits for them to return. A concussion, that’s nothing new. And her arm is only fractured, not a full on break - she probably could’ve told them that just from the pain level alone. She isn’t surprised she didn’t heal properly after her fight with Abby.

She doesn’t think she’ll ever really heal from that.

“C’mon, kid,” Maria says. Her voice makes Ellie jump, heart rate spiking too high for such a small scare.

She follows Maria out of the room. “So… healthy as a horse, right?”

Maria cracks a smile at her. “They gave me some antibiotics for your side and told me to keep a close watch for any signs of brain injury.”

“Cool, cool,” Ellie says. She drags her feet as they walk out of the building where the doctor’s office is. The sun is a little higher in the sky now, and she can hear chatter coming from the streets. She still doesn’t want to see anyone, but she supposes she doesn’t have much of a choice.

Maria seems to notice her trepidation. “Listen, I’ve got a few things to take care of in town. Why don’t you head on back to the house, rest up? I won’t let no one know you’re here yet, and I’ll tell Tommy not to either.”

Ellie nods. “That’d be great, thanks.”

“And Ellie?” Maria stops her as she turns to leave. “We are gonna have to talk about all this. What comes next for you… you’re not allowed to just run off on me again, you hear?”

“I hear you,” Ellie says. She won’t disappear into the night, not again. She doesn’t plan on staying in Jackson for long, but at the very least, she can promise Maria that she won’t run away this time.

* * *

Ellie cuts behind buildings to avoid walking on the street. The few people that she does see don’t seem to notice or recognize her, and she can’t really blame them. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror at the doctor’s office. Her skin is dirty, her hair chopped short and her frame gangly and far too skinny. She’s a shell of the person she was the last time she was here, in more ways than one.

It’s not until she’s almost back to Maria’s that she encounters someone standing in her way, unavoidable.

A tall, Asian man with dark hair and a beige jacket is in the path in front of her. The sight of him stops Ellie in her tracks.

Jesse?

He looks up.

No. _Robin_.

His gun is slung over his shoulder, and Ellie figures he must be on his way out for a hunt. Ellie walks towards him, hands tucked in her jacket pockets. Her last encounter with Jesse’s father when he had come to visit JJ at the farm hadn’t gone well. She considers her words as she approaches him— she wonders if she should say something about Jesse, or if enough time has passed that that would seem awkward and forced.

For what feels like the hundredth time in the past twelve hours, Ellie feels fourteen again.

Robin beats her to speaking. “Miss Ellie. Was wondering if we’d be seeing you again.” He looks around, as if to make sure they’re alone. They are. “Dina told me you’d left to go after that woman.”

Ellie’s heart stutters, stops at the mention of her name.

“Dina told you…” Her brain takes a second to catch up, but once it does, the current of her thoughts race loudly in her ears.

_Dina, Dina, Dina._

“You’ve seen Dina?”

Robin nods, face not betraying any emotion. “Yep. She told me that if you ever turned up here that I should let you know she’s okay.”

“That’s it? Just, ‘she’s okay?’”

She’s sure she doesn’t even deserve that much, but still, it hurts.

“Yep,” Robin nods again. Ellie can see where Jesse got his eloquence from.

 _Fuck_ , she misses him.

Still, her heart won’t settle, its rapid beating uncomfortable against her ribs. “When was this? Do you know if she’s still —”

 _Okay? Alive?_ She doesn’t want to finish that sentence.

Robin looks off, his discomfort with this conversation abundantly clear. “Well, I’ve been seeing her from time to time, and she looks just fine to me.”

Ellie swallows, throat tight. He doesn’t want her to press, and she should recognize that. She’s made this man’s life hard enough.

“They’re safe?”

Robin nods. “They’re fine. Matter of fact, I’ll be seeing her again soon.”

Ellie’s eyes fill with tears, the terror of the past twenty-four hours suddenly melting into relief at this assurance. Dina is okay. Dina is okay, JJ is okay, Robin knows because he’s seen her. Which means not only is she safe, she’s nearby. Most importantly, she’s _alive._

It registers after a moment what he’s just said: Robin will be seeing Dina again soon. She wants to know where, when, but knows that he wouldn’t tell her if she asked. Ellie has half a mind to follow him after this conversation, but quickly dismisses the thought. It’s not what Dina would want. She clearly doesn’t want to see Ellie, and she needs to respect that - no matter how much it hurts to.

Ellie made her choice months ago. She owes Dina the honor of her own.

Still, she can’t help but ask. “Would you… I mean, could you — if you wouldn’t mind —“

“I’ll let her know that you’re safe.”

Ellie sighs. “Thank you.”

Robin nods, then starts to turn away.

“Robin wait, I — I’m really sorry.” She doesn’t have to say for what.

He doesn’t turn back around. His shoulders heave out a heavy sigh, and he nods again. “I appreciate that,” he says, then walks away.

* * *

The rest of the day passes without much fanfare. Ellie spends most of it on Maria’s couch. The longer she lays there, the less comfortable it becomes, but she isn’t complaining. Her head is still pounding and her heart still aching after her conversation with Robin.

Maria gets back mid-afternoon. She doesn’t say anything to Ellie as she lays there, still as can be, her eyes pressed closed in hopes that she’ll pass for a sleeping person. Probably not — she hasn’t slept that peacefully in years.

She’s not sure when, but she does eventually fall asleep. Her dreams are a blur of memories and fantasy. She’s surprised that some of them are actually good ones — Dina, young and carefree, working with Ellie in the gardens; Joel, guitar in his lap, singing to JJ as Ellie holds him; Dina, smiling at her as they lay in bed, legs intertwined; a nondescript woman, kissing Ellie on her forehead and telling her that she loved her. She’s had that one many times before, ever since Marlene told her about her mother.

She wakes to the front door closing. When she opens her eyes it’s dark, and Maria is standing near the doorway.

“Brought back food,” she says with no introduction. “You need to eat.”

“Doc tell you that?” Ellie asks, forcing herself to sit up.

“Didn’t need to.”

“Right.”

She looks down at herself, all skin and bones, and thinks that maybe Maria is on to something.

The sandwiches are delicious, and Ellie finds herself wanting more once she’s finished, but she doesn’t ask. Instead, she turns to Maria. “What do you think Tommy wanted earlier?”

The older woman sighs. “I don’t know. Probably to rehash the same old argument we keep having. He wants to try to fix things.”

“And you don’t?”

She waits a moment, thinking. “I don’t think there’s anything left to fix. Sometimes… sometimes life changes us in ways there’s no coming back from.”

It’s not what Ellie wants to hear, but it’s not something she disagrees with, either.

She wonders if Dina feels that way about her.

“Do you still love him?” She’s nervous to ask.

“Always.”

That’s good, at least. She wonders if Dina could still love her, even if she doesn’t want to see Ellie again. She wonders how Dina will react to Robin telling her that Ellie has arrived back in Jackson. Will she come to see her?

She pushes the thoughts down, certain there’s no point in wondering, anyway.

Dina and her… it’s like Maria said. Life changed Ellie in ways that there’s no coming back from. The Ellie that Dina fell in love with doesn’t exist anymore.

* * *

Maria puts on a few records and sits on the porch while she smokes out of an old pipe. She offers some to Ellie, but she declines. She’s never been much of a fan of tobacco, and she’s worried that the taste of smoke on her tongue will remind her too much of Dina, their first night together.

She does sit out on the porch with her, watching the stars. The night sky was different in California. The constellations above her are familiar, comforting.

It’s not long before she finds herself back on Maria’s couch, turning over and over as she tries to find a comfortable spot. She wonders how she even slept on this the night before — she must’ve have been exhausted.

* * *

It’s late — two or three in the morning, if she had to guess, but she doesn’t have a working watch on her — when someone pounds on the door.

Her first thought is of Tommy, this morning.

Her second is Dina.

It’s neither.

It’s Robin, his face sleek with sweat despite the cold air. “Ellie,” he pants, out of breath. He must’ve run here. “She’s gone.”

“Robin? Who — “

“Dina, Dina and the baby, they’re – I think they’ve been taken. I went to see her, to tell her you’re in Jackson and… they’re gone. Their place is all a mess. You’ve got to come with me.”

Ellie doesn’t bother with a coat or proper boots; she’s out the door behind him in seconds, backpack slung over her shoulder as he leads her through the snow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the support on the first chapter! it definitely inspired me to finish and post this one much more quickly than I usually would be able to!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY! please note the updated tags and trigger warnings for this chapter.
> 
> <3

The cabin is empty. The trip there only takes about twenty minutes on horseback, the route barely familiar to Ellie. It’s the one she had only run once before, with Dina, the day that Joel was taken by the WLF.

The small home is eerily quiet as the door creaks open. Ellie’s gun is drawn, despite the fact that Robin was here earlier and confirmed no one was home.

“You check inside,” he says as they dismount. “I’m going to see if I can find any tracks. The snow will make it difficult.”

Ellie heads in alone. There’s no immediate signs of bloodshed, though that does little to relieve her fears. She doesn’t know what the house looks like normally, but she’s assuming there was a fight here, given the overturned chair in the small kitchen and a few things scattered across the floor — a spatula, a book. Ellie’s heart stops when she sees Ollie is among the items that had been knocked over in the scuffle. She picks him up, holds him for a second in her hand as she tries her best not to cry.

There’s a mug of tea on the counter. Cold. The back door is open, knocking against the side of the house as it swings in the wind.

Other than that, there’s no sign of Dina or JJ.

It’s odd — Ellie’s never been here, but it feels like home anyway. A lot of things from their farmhouse made the trek here. She tries not to think about Dina, packing it up for this journey, all by herself as she put away the pieces of their life together.

_(Dina, Dina, Dina)._

There’s the hamsa hanging on the wall. One of Ellie’s paintings of JJ sits atop a bookshelf — she’s surprised Dina kept that. A photo she took of Dina and JJ in front of the field with an old camera they’d found is framed on the shelf next to it. It was hidden in a desk when they first arrived at the farmhouse, and it was one of those ones that printed the photo right then and there. She’d only taken a few shots on it, wanting to save as much of the film as possible for to document JJ, getting older. She wonders if Dina brought that here, too.

There’s only one small bedroom, tucked into the back corner of the house. Ellie is overwhelmed as soon as she steps foot into it. Dina’s clothes are scattered on the floor. She was always on to the next thing before having time to really clean. JJ’s toys are in the same state. His mobile hangs over his crib, the arrangement not much different from the farm house.

The closet door is open, and Ellie almost ignores it, but something catches her eye. A familiar blue flannel peeks out from the other clothes hanging there.

Ellie’s favorite shirt. She hadn’t even noticed it was missing when she went by the farmhouse. Dina must have brought it with her.

Her eyes swim with tears as she walks over to it, running her fingers over the other stuff in the closet. She pulls the fabric of one of Dina’s shirts up to her nose, holding it there for a second before burying her face fully in it, letting herself cry.

She’s not sure how long she’s standing there like that when Robin clears his throat behind her.

“I found something,” he says.

Ellie drops the shirt, swiping at her eyes. “Okay,” she says. Her voice is embarrassingly thick, but Robin doesn’t seem to mind.

* * *

Robin finds horse tracks about sixty yards from the house, leading up to it and looping back away. They got lucky — the snow hadn’t accumulated much here over the past few days, allowing him to still see them. He says they’re a couple days old, if not more, judging by the frost.

They follow the tracks in silence to a marked highway. She can’t see the road under the snow, and it must not have been a busy route, judging by the lack of cars. The tracks keep going forwards as far as Ellie can see.

She hates being out in the open like this, but figures the people who took Dina are far ahead enough that they don’t have to worry about walking into an ambush.

* * *

Ellie doesn’t want to stop to sleep, but Robin insists that the horse needs the rest. She supposes it won’t do them any good if the poor thing collapses on them. She thinks of Shimmer, and agrees to a few hours of downtime.

The sun is bright against the snow when she wakes up. Robin is crouched over a small fire he made, a piece of game roasting over it.

“Good morning,” he says. Ellie nods in acknowledgment. Her bones ache from the night spent on the ground.

They don’t talk as they eat. Ellie realizes that Robin probably doesn’t like her very much, after all that has happened. She can’t blame him — she’s at least partly responsible for his son’s death, if not more. That won’t happen this time, though.

She’s going to get Dina and JJ back if it’s the last thing she ever does.

* * *

The trek is slow, and Ellie has to bite her tongue against expressing her desire to go faster. It snows on the second day, the bitter cold stealing most of their energy. By the third day, Ellie feels herself losing hope.

Then, finally, at the end of day three, the tracks leave the road.

They follow them down a hill, to a river. Ellie’s worried they might lose sight of them, but Robin has little trouble picking them up only a few yards away.

It’s well past sunset, and they normally would have stopped by now. Neither of them wants to. They’re walking towards a mountain, reaching the edge of a forest, when Robin sits up straight. Ellie follows his line of sight to see a light, up ahead in the trees.

“Let’s hide the horse,” he says. Ellie nods. She pulls a crowbar out of her bag, struggling a little with its hefty weight in her left hand. If these are the fuckers who took Dina, they are going to pay.

She follows Robin’s lead as they move into the trees. The snow crunches under their feet. They stop once they hear nearby voices.

It’s two men, one of them swinging a lantern as he trails behind the other.

“He’s growing up fast,” the one with the lantern says. “I wish I could spend more time with him.”

“You’re doing what you need for them to survive,” the other says. “We don’t have much choice.”

“I know, I know… still. He doesn’t understand why this is the way it is now. I wish I knew what to tell him.”

Their guard is down, and she knows she could move on them now, but Ellie wants to hear more of what they have to say. Robin has taken cover a few feet from her, behind a tree.

“The new girl, the one CJ and Mark brought back with the baby — my wife says she won't make it another week.”

“Why's that?”

“She and Jane got in some sort of squabble. You know Jane... fuckin’ crazy. Kel thinks she's done for if she doesn't eat crow.”

“She might. That baby is awfully cute. Be a shame for him to go without a mother, that's a terrible age for it.”

“There's no good age for that,” the other man says, voice serious. “Wonder what happened to the kid’s father.”

Ellie glances over to look at Robin, still crouched behind the stump. Robin holds a finger up to his lips, as if he's worried that Ellie might attack them at any second. She wonders briefly what he thinks of her, given what he knows about her actions. How much of their time in Seattle had Dina shared with him?

“Hope there’s still supper when we get back,” one of the voices says. “Such bullshit that they don’t save us some.”

“Better to feed the kids, I guess.”

“There’d be plenty to go around if Mark would get his head out of his —“ the voice cuts off. “Did you see that?”

“What?”

“I think there’s…” He lowers his voice. “I think there’s someone watching us.”

He takes the lantern from the other man, and creeps forward. Ellie can see they’re moving in on Robin’s hiding place, somehow spotting him amongst the trees. She thinks there’s enough distance between them that they haven’t seen her. One of the men stops a few feet away, but the bigger of the two keeps walking forward until he’s rounding the corner on Robin, who is waiting for him with his gun ready.

The man looks at Robin, sees the bow in his hand, and startles for just a moment. Ellie spots his finger on the trigger, and knows she doesn't have time to waste. She doesn’t want to deal with the fallout of a gunshot, not knowing how close to a camp they might be.

She takes her crowbar and a few swift steps forward. She swings the weapon over her head with both hands, connecting solidly with the man’s temple. His knees crumple, his body folding under him without another sound.

She turns, finding the other man standing stock still in shock. Ellie doesn't wait for him to react. She swings again and the man jumps back. It still connects with his head, just not as strong as it could have, but drawing blood nonetheless. He falls to his knees, hands coming up, his weapon quickly abandoned on the ground. “No, no, please I —“

Ellie doesn’t give him time to finish his sentence. “Who are you with?”

“With?” His eyes fall to the man other on the ground, his blood spreading out into the snow. His eyes are open, staring into nothing. Ellie feels a twinge of guilt. She hadn’t meant to kill him. “Oh god, Tony.”

“Hey —“ Ellie gets his attention, grasping his collar. “The girl you were talking about, the one with the kid — where is she?”

“The Haven,” he says, trembling. A tear falls across his cheek, and Ellie falters.

“The what?”

“Their camp, they call it the Haven. That’s where they take all the women and children. That’s where they have my family.”

“Your… your family?” She deflates a little.

“Please, they’ll kill them if I don’t come back.”

Ellie considers it for a moment, then scoffs. “You expect me to believe that? They’re keeping your family hostage, but they give you a gun?”

The man nods. “T-they send us out in pairs to keep each other accountable. If one of us tries to escape, the other man’s family pays. Please, you have to believe me. If I’m not back in the next few hours…”

Ellie picks up the mans gun off the ground, holding it out to Robin. Robin hesitates before taking it, clearly uncomfortable with Ellie’s course of action. She leaves the man on the ground, and he makes no move to stand.

“How far is your camp? How many of them are there?”

“It’s about three miles, maybe. They’ve got at least ten men there of their own accord — another twenty or so with their families like me. I’ve never really counted.”

Ellie is shocked. “They have _twenty_ families there?”

“More. They don’t always take the men. Only if they can be useful.”

Ellie wonders what use this man offered to them. He certainly wasn’t a solider in his past life.

“That’s too many, Ellie.” She looks up to find Robin, a deep frown etched into his face. “We’ll need help.”

“So what? You want to go back?”

“We need more people, more guns.”

“No, we _need_ to get Dina and JJ out of there.”

“And we’re not going to be able to do that if we’re dead.”  
Ellie clenches her fists, hating that Robin is right. They can’t just storm in there and rescue Dina. Not yet.

She looks back down at the guard on the ground.

“I have an idea.”

* * *

The “Haven” is surrounded by a large, shabby wooden fence, one that clearly wasn’t there before outbreak day. It takes about an hour and a half to walk there from the spot where they ran into the two men, slowed slightly by the snow.

Ellie learns the surviving guard’s name — Jon — and a few more details about their settlement.

None of it is good.

There’s another armed man at the gate, and he doesn’t look happy to see them. “You’re late,” he says in lieu of greeting.

“Ran into some trouble,” Jon says.

“Where’s Tony?”

“He — he was bitten. I-I had to —“

Ellie worries that Jon’s shaky demeanor will give them away, but the man behind the gate softens. “Shit. I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll have them tell his family.”

Ellie’s heart breaks a little at that. She hadn’t known, of course, couldn’t have known that the man she killed was there against his will. She thought he was one of Dina’s captors.

She’s put other things in front of Dina and JJ — in front of her family — for too long. She promised herself she’d never do it again. But that doesn’t make this any easier.

“And who is this?” The man leers at her.

“I found her in town.” Jon nudges Ellie forward. She stumbles, wanting to appear weak. The guard’s eyes slowly examine her, and she tries not to grimace.

“You thought she’d make a fit mother?”

Ellie’s stomach turns at the implication.

“Well, she is pregnant.”

That part was Jon’s idea. He told her about the Haven on their walk over, each detail more disgusting than the last. The groups sees themselves as the future of humanity — a safe place for women to bear children, and for those children to grow into soldiers to fight the infected.

The details he shared were horrifying. Essentially, it was for the best if they believed that she was already with child.

The guard grins. “Wow, Jon — good find. Your sons will be rewarded.”

Jon bows his head. “Thank you, CJ.”

“Of course. Bring her to Mama J, would you? I’m still waiting for Mark to come relieve me. Idiot is late, again.” He looks at Ellie. “Chin up, sweetheart. You’re safe now.”

Ellie doesn’t respond as Jon ushers her past him. CJ, she repeats in her head, committing it to memory. He’s on her list.

* * *

Jon leads her down a dirt path towards some log cabins. It was a campground, Ellie figures, before it was this make-shift settlement. There aren’t many people outside, not like the streets of Jackson, and the few that she does see don’t look happy to be there.

“Here,” he nods towards the largest building as they approach. They walk through double doors into a large dining hall, with long, crowded tables inside. It’s loud — dinner time, she’s assuming. The children are on one side of the room, the adults on another. She tries to look for Dina and JJ as she walks through, but there isn’t much time before they’re turning down a hallway and walking towards a back room.

Jon knocks three times.

“Come in,” a woman says from behind the door.

“Hey, Jane?” He sounds scared as he pokes his head inside. “I uh, found a new girl. CJ said I should bring her to you. She’s, um — she’s with child.”

Ellie grimaces at the expression. She hates all those old colloquialisms. With child, passed on... just say what you mean, or don’t say it at all.

“Oh?” The woman sounds… downright delighted. “Send her right on in. And Jon, be a dear and go fix her a plate while we make introductions.”

Ellie walks past Jon into the room, where she’s met by a woman in her late-forties, maybe early fifties. Her hair is dark, with streaks of gray that fade where her hair frizzes at the ends. Her eyes are a sharp, bright blue and her smile is warm. Ellie’s stomach turns at the sight of it.

“Look at you,” the woman says, reaching for her. Ellie steps back on instinct, and the woman is immediately apologetic. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just been so long since we’ve had someone like you come to us. The kids call me Mama Jane, but you can just call me Jane if you’d like.”

“Jane,” Ellie repeats. “I’m, uh, I’m Maria.”  
“Nice to meet you Maria.” Ellie tries not react this time as the woman reaches forward and cups her face. “Poor thing. Looks like you haven’t eaten in weeks.”

She has, but not much. Self-care hasn’t been high on her list of priorities.

“Well, we’ll take care of that soon enough. Welcome to the our little safe haven. You’ll need a few days to rest, of course, but just know that we all must play a part here. My sons and the other boys hunt and go on patrols. We garden, we cook, we teach the youngsters.”

“Sound nice,” Ellie says, hoping the sarcasm doesn’t seep through. This woman gives her the creeps. “I’m actually a pretty good hunter.”

“Oh, no,” Mama Jane says, face scrunching up. “You can’t hunt — not in your condition. Skin and bones, you poor thing. We need to keep you healthy for the baby. No, no, best leave the hunting to the boys. Don’t worry, we’ll find a good place for you.”

“Right.” Ellie grows tenser by the minute.

She needs to find Dina, like, now.

“I’d give you a tour, but there’s not much to see in the dark. I’ll take you around tomorrow. Would you like to join me for dinner?”

“I’m actually a pretty tired. Would you mind…?”

“Of course, of course.”

Another knock at the door. “Ma’am?” Jon’s head peaks around. He’s holding a plate of food in his hands, and Ellie’s stomach growls at the smell of it. “Where should I leave this?”

“We’ll take it with us, thank you Jon. Why don’t you go spend a minute with your boys? Tell Jackie I sent you.”

Jon smiles, though it does little to lift the bags under his eyes. “Thank you.”

Jane turns back to Ellie, smile back in full force. “Now, why don’t I take you to your new home? Sorry you don’t get your own room, but the cabins are quite cozy.”

Cozy. Great.

* * *

Ellie is relived that the woman doesn’t talk any more on the walk to the cabin. She takes note of as much as she can, considering the darkness. There seems to be about a dozen cabins, maybe less. A few have warm lights shining from inside, but most are dark. For every few cabins she spots a guard standing outside, leaning against the buildings, lurking in the alleys.

Cozy. Right.

Jane stops in front of a cabin that has a few lights on inside. She takes hold of Ellie’s shoulder.

“It may not seem like it now, but you’re going to like it here, you’ll see. You’ll be fed, safe, your kid will have other kids to grow up around… you’ll both be so happy, I know it. And maybe one day, you’ll give your child siblings. Just think about it — together, we can all help save the human race.”

Her smile is genuine. Ellie wants to punch it off her face.

“Get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow we’ll show you around.”

She hands the plate of food to Ellie.

“Thank you,” she mumbles in return.

Jane knocks before opening the door, not giving whoever is inside any time to respond. There’s only one woman, sitting on the bottom bunk of a bed.

“This is Maria,” Jane says, all traces of friendliness suddenly, chillingly, gone. “She’ll be staying with you for now.”

Jane’s hand slides down Ellie’s back, pushing her forward. She tries her best not to glare at the woman, hoping that Robin will hurry the fuck up on his way back.

“Goodnight, girls.”

“Night, Mama J,” Emma mutters, lacking all sincerity. She waits for the door to close before she turns to Ellie. “So, where’d they find you?”

Ellie isn't offended by her tone — far from it, in fact. “I was picked up by a guard searching a pharmacy in town.” It’s the story she and Jon had come up with. She thought it would be best not to mention Jackson at all, not even to Jon. She did, however, promise him that, if he kept his mouth shut, they would make sure that he and his family got out at the end of all this. That was all he needed to hear to get him to agree to go along with her plan.

“Sorry to hear that,” she replies. “I’m Emma, by the way.”

“Maria.”

“Yeah, Jane mentioned.”

Ellie looks around the nearly empty cabin. “You, uh, been here long?”

“A few months. It’s rocky in the beginning, but you get used to it after a while.”

“Rocky?”

Emma looks into her eyes, face stony and serious. “We’re prisoners here. Don’t let them confuse you with all their talk of family. The only family they look out for is their own.”

Ellie’s eyes fall to the photo clutched in Emma’s hand. It’s wrinkled and torn at the edges, but she can see it’s of Emma, a small boy sitting in her lap.

“Your kid?” Ellie asks, taking a step closer.

Emma shakes her head. “My brother. They have him on the other side of the camp.”

“Oh,” Ellie says. “They don’t let you stay together?”

“They keep the children away from us. We’re lucky if we see them every day,” she says, voice low, resentful. Ellie hadn’t expected to find someone speaking openly about the shit happening here so quickly, but it’s not surprising. It’s hard to like people who take your family away from you. “They just can’t take care of them all by themselves, that’s the only reason we’re still alive.”

Ellie frowns. “But _why?_ Why do they want all these kids?”

“She says it’s to keep them safe in this world.” Emma rolls her eyes, shaking her head. “Rumor has it one of her kids and husband died a few years back. But don’t try to ask her about it — she’d probably kill you herself.”

“Jesus,” Ellie says. She doesn’t doubt it. There was an eerie lack of emotion behind the older woman’s piercing blue eyes. “And, uh, how often do they bring in new people?”

“Lately it seems like every couple days. Most of them don’t last very long.”

That makes her uneasy. She can’t help herself any longer. She has to ask. “Have you heard of a woman named Dina? She would have a kid with her named JJ.”

Emma nods, and Ellie’s hopes soar. “I’ve seen JJ in the dinging hall. Cute baby. But if his mom is here, I haven’t met her.”

Ellie’s heart just about stops. “Oh.”

She thinks of Dina, fighting back and getting herself killed. What if she asked the wrong question? What if she’d tried to escape on her own, not knowing that Ellie was coming for her? What if —

“Why, do you know her?”

Ellie forces her attention back to the conversation, considering her words carefully. She doesn’t want to give anything away. Jon told her she wouldn’t be able to trust anyone in these walls, not with their families at stake. “Oh, not really. Our paths had crossed a while back. I thought maybe, since she had a kid, she might be here.”

“Small world,” Emma says, but her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. It isn’t comforting. “Well, she might still be here. I wouldn’t really know. It’s not like we get a lot of time to socialize.”

“Sure,” Ellie says, though she’s not really reassured in the slightest. She feels suddenly like she might be sick. “I’ve, uh, had a really long day.”

“Take any bed you’d like,” Emma says, gesturing to the half-empty cabin.

“Aren’t there other women staying here?”  
“No… not anymore.”

 _Fuck,_ Ellie thinks, wondering how many motherless children this place has created.

She can’t wait to burn it all to the ground when Robin returns.

* * *

Sleep doesn’t come to her that night. Instead, she stays awake, wishing that she still had her journal. She’d given her backpack to Robin to hold onto, knowing that it would probably be searched upon their arrival back at the campground. He’ll be back in a few days, with as many soldiers and guns as Maria could spare.

She tries to keep track of the details in her head until then: Mama Jane, and her likely dead husband and child; the man at the gate — CJ — waiting to be relieved by a man named Mark; Jon, Tony… the four or five men she’d seen in the dark on the way to the cabin, and who knows how many other guards; and Jackie — who, judging by Jane’s words, is in charge of whether or not Jon could see his kids.

She wonders how many people here are innocent, coerced into acting on “Mama’s” behalf, and how many are willing participants.

A few minutes after sunrise, there’s a gentle knock at the door. Again, it swings open without a second passing, revealing Jane standing in the doorway.

“Good morning,” she says. Emma groans, turning over, but Ellie sits up.

“Morning.”

“How did you sleep?”

“Good.”

“Not a girl of many words, are you?” She chuckles, shaking her head. “It’s overwhelming, I understand.” She pulls a bag off her shoulder. “Jon said you didn’t have anything with you when the two of you met, so I went ahead and gathered some shirts for you to wear. Why don’t you change and meet me outside?”

“Okay,” Ellie says. She looks down at the bag, then back up at Jane, wondering why she hasn’t left yet. She looks like she’s waiting on something. “Thank you?”

Jane’s smile returns. “You’re quite welcome.”

The shirts are from the camp that used to be here, judging by the emblem. It’s snug, but it fits.

It was probably a kids shirt if she had to guess. Not like it matters, anyway — the November air is cold enough that she has to keep her jacket on most of the time.

“Good luck out there,” Emma says just before Ellie leaves. She didn't realize the other girl was actually awake, her back still facing Ellie. “Just… don’t let your guard down, no matter how nice it seems. Remember —“

“We’re prisoners here, yeah.” Ellie nods with a grim smile. “Thanks.”

* * *

Mama Jane gives her “the grand tour,” as she calls it.

There’s ten of the small cabins in total, though only seven of them are full. There’s the dining hall, where she’d been yesterday, in addition to another large space that they’re using as a daycare.

“I’ll take you by to meet the children later,” Jane says. “You’ll love it.”

“Sounds good.” Ellie tries not to get too excited at the prospect of seeing JJ.

There’s another large lodge at the top of the hill, that Jane lives in with her sons. She introduces Ellie to three of them that they pass, and it sounds like there’s at least one or two more.

There’s CJ, the man at the gate, who is back out there again this morning. He’s gruff, a little lean but sinewy, with a sneering smile. He’s the oldest, Jane proudly tells her.

Then there’s Mark, the “idiot,” as CJ called him, who they meet on their way to the dining hall. He’s got a dopey grin and a long scar across his cheek that reminds Ellie of Seattle. He’s heading out for a hunt, with a few other young guys behind him, the oldest maybe fifteen.

Lastly, she meets Jackie, standing with a gun outside the daycare. He’s young, about Ellie’s age, and taller than CJ. His dark hair frames a sweet face. He’s shy, and blushes when his mother calls him “the cute one.” Ellie wonders how cute he can be, standing outside a room full of children with a gun, stopping their families from seeing them.

Ellie doesn’t say much to any of them, just a standard hello. But at Jackie’s post she can hear the kids, inside, and dares to ask Jane if they can go see the daycare.

“Oh, it’s just about time for them to start classes,” Jane answers, brushing her off. “But we’ll come back at playtime. Besides, we need to get some more food in you.”

Ellie doesn’t argue, not wanting to raise any suspicion. The food last night was actually quite good — better than a lot of stuff in Jackson (full offense to Seth).

The dining hall looks a little friendlier during the day, sun shining through the tall windows spread every few feet on the walls. It smells good — like cooked eggs, and fresh bread — and Ellie must look eager, because Jane chuckles.

“Just one minute, young lady. I'd like you to meet the girls who work in the kitchen.”

The kitchen is hot, considering it's nearing winter, and smells even stronger than the dining hall. The workers inside are quiet, and most of them look up when Jane enters.

“This is Martha,” she says, pointing to the woman guarding the door. Martha doesn't acknowledge Ellie, but smiles at Jane. “And this here is Paula, she's our head chef.”

“Hello,” Paula says. She's an older woman, with a skinny frame but not unhealthy. A splotched apron is fixed around her waist, and she barely looks up as she chops vegetables.

“Then we have... oh, let's see — Alison, Jenna, Cassidy.” The walk back behind a counter, passing a girl for each name she mentions.

“Usually Kelly is back here as well, but she got a bit of bad news yesterday. I gave her the week off.”

Ellie thinks of Tony’s blood in the snow yesterday, wondering if Kelly was the family Jon spoke of.

She hopes not.

They turn a corner and find a brick oven, the source of the most tempting of the smells. A woman with her back to them is using a long paddle to place a load of bread towards the back.

Ellie’s breath catches — she recognizes that shirt.

“And this is Dina. You’re both new, actually.” Ellie’s heartbeat falters, then picks up a beating so loud she’s afraid the whole room can hear it. Dina turns around, mouth falling open as soon as she sees Ellie standing there. “This is Maria. She’ll probably be joining you soon enough.”

“Maria?” The words ghost out of Dina’s lips, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she looks at Ellie.

Ellie nods. “Nice to meet you.” She tries to hide the tremble in her voice, but her words come out strained anyway.

She can’t stop staring. Dina’s alive. Dina’s okay.

_(Dina, Dina, Dina)._

Dina’s standing right in front of her, looking like she might faint.

“Are you alright, dear?” Jane asks, frowning.

Dina nods, leaving her eyes on Ellie for a few more seconds before she snaps out of it, blinking as she looks at Jane. “Yeah, sorry, I — I missed breakfast.”

“Oh no!” The sickeningly sweet tone is back. Ellie wonders if she treats all newcomers like this before showing her dark side. She certainly wasn’t like this with Emma, and her bunk mate had no illusions about Jane’s intentions. She remembers the conversation she’d overhead yesterday — that Dina had gotten into an argument with Jane — and Jane’s tone suddenly seems even less sincere. “Well, you can eat with us. It would do the two of you good to get to know each other.”

Dina still looks frozen, but she nods. They’re both quiet while they stand in line for their food, but their eyes keep meeting behind Jane’s back. Dina is hard to read, but most of all she just looks exhausted as she stares back at Ellie.

They make their way to table, trailing behind Jane. She sits down and pats the seat next to her as she looks at Ellie, who obediently sits.

“Dina’s been with us almost a week now. How are you finding it, dear?”

“They’ve taken good care of me,” Dina says. Ellie can tell her smile is forced, but it softens ever so slightly when she looks back at Ellie. “And my son, too.”

“Good,” Ellie says, voice betraying her with another tremor. “Good, I’m — I’m glad I found this place.”

She hoped Dina understands what she means — that she's happy she finally found Dina.

Jane doesn’t seem to notice their connection. “You were very lucky Jon found you out there. Who knows how much longer you would’ve lasted without food like that.”

“Very lucky,” Ellie agrees.

She notices that Dina’s eyes aren’t on hers anymore, and she follows them down to her hand. She curls her fingers inward, suddenly self-conscious. Jane seems to notice Dina’s stare as well, frowning when she sees what remains of Ellie’s fingers.

“Oh, my — what happened to your hand?”

Ellie flounders. “I, uh — I lost a fight.” It’s the closest to the truth that she can tell right now. Dina’s eyes fly back up to hers, pained.

“People can be so evil,” Jane says, frowning. “Well, you’re safe here now, dear.”

“Right,” Ellie says, nodding as she pushes her food around her plate, suddenly overcome with the image of Abby beneath her in the water.

“Eat up — it’s good for the baby,” Jane says, before looking to Dina. “Maria here is pregnant. Dina here might have some advice for you, she has a little one herself.”

“Oh?” Ellie says. Dina’s eyes are locked on hers, a touch of concern in her brow. Ellie knows she can't ask any of the questions about JJ that she's thinking, but that it'll seem weird if she doesn't say anything else. “How old is he?”

She already knows the answer, but it's the best she can come up with.

“Fourteen months,” Dina replies. Ellie’s heart aches at the thought of the time she’d missed with JJ. She wonders if he’s walking yet, or if he's learned any words besides ‘ma’ and ‘no.’

“Cute as a button, too,” Jane says. “You’ll meet him soon enough. We might have you in the daycare as you get further along. Wouldn’t want to keep you on your feet all day. But you’ll do the rounds, see where you fit best.”

“Can I start in the kitchen?” Ellie asks. She wants to be close to Dina, to be able to talk to her without Jane here. “I, uh, I love to cook.”

Dina smiles at this, and Ellie’s heart flutters. She wonders if she’s thinking of the time that Ellie had tried to cook her dinner.

It was a one-time-only occurrence, at Dina’s insistence.

“Well, I don’t see why not,” Jane replies, drawing both of their attention back. “I’ll let Paula know.” She picks up her mug, then frowns at it. “I’m going to get a fresh cup of coffee. Would either of you like anything?”

“No,” Dina says, shaking her head. Ellie follows suit. They stare at each other until Jane is out of earshot. Dina speaks first.

“You’re okay,” she says, voice quiet and full of wonder. She leans forward, grabbing Ellie’s hand and squeezing, hard, as if she’s checking that she’s real. “I can’t believe… Where did you — what are you _doing_ here?”

Ellie shakes her head. That isn’t important. “Are you okay? Have they hurt you?” Her words are hushed, but urgent.

“I’m fine, I’m just — how did you find me?”

“Robin followed their horse tracks, practically led us right to you. Is JJ okay?”

“He’s fine, though they only let me see him in the mornings.”

“Shit. Fuck, Dina, I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t be here, I never should have —“

“ _Shh_ ,” Dina says, voice suddenly harsh. Ellie’s heart breaks a little at the admonishment until she follows Dina’s gaze to find Jane, walking back to their table. Dina squeezes Ellie’s hand to get her attention and whispers, “find me after dinner.”

Ellie nods. She misses the warmth of Dina’s hand as soon as it’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're getting into the actual plot now!! sorry for the few days wait, hopefully the extra-long chapter makes up for it :)


	4. Chapter 4

Dina doesn’t go back to Jackson.

The people there are practically her family, but she still can’t bring herself to return. She knows what would wait for her there — concerned gazes, assurances that Ellie would return one day, unharmed — and she can’t handle that. She’s never been fond of pity. Not after her parents died, not after her sister was killed, and especially not now, after…

After Ellie left her.

It stings to even think those words, but it’s the truth. Ellie left. She left their life, their family, their _everything_ behind to go off on another half-cocked mission for revenge.

She wanted to scream the night Ellie left. She wanted to scream at Ellie in the kitchen, at her retreating form, at the whole fucking world, not ready to have another thing taken from her.

But she couldn’t make a sound— that would wake the baby.

Instead, she curled in on herself, tucked her forehead between her knees as she sobbed. She’s not sure how long she was sitting there before JJ started to cry, and she had to wipe her face and stand up on shaking knees.

That’s the way it always is. Dina never gets a moment to feel her own feelings. She never gives herself that time.

She thinks of Ellie’s words, how she thought Dina was just magically _okay_ with everything that had happened. She wasn’t, of course she wasn’t. She just didn’t say anything, wanting Ellie to have all the space she needed to feel her grief.

Maybe if she had said something, if she had just fucking opened her mouth and told her how she felt, Ellie wouldn’t have left.

* * *

Dina dreams of Ellie every night.

Her smile when she thought no one was looking, her laugh at Dina’s bad jokes, her lips pressing a kiss against JJ’s forehead…

She dreams of Ellie in Jackson — of snowball fights and bonfires. She dreams of Ellie staring at the stars, telling Dina about each and every constellation she knew. Ellie plays the guitar for her in her dreams, but her voice never sounds quite right.

She dreams of Ellie in Seattle. She imagines her, mask shattered, choking on the spores, immunity inexplicably vanished.

She sees Ellie’s body, bloody on the floor of the theater, life beaten out of her by Abby’s hands. The room is empty, and Dina is too late. Abby is gone, and Ellie is dead.

Those are the dreams that wake her up, sweat slicking her skin and a scream caught in her throat each and every time.

* * *

Robin comes and visits again, this time with more toys for JJ. He doesn’t ask many questions, but he does notice that Ellie left.

“That’s a shame,” he says. “She really loved you two.”

“I know.”

But it wasn’t enough.

* * *

_“I’m not like you, Dina.”_

She hears those words over and over in her head in the weeks after Ellie leaves her.

_Like you._

It makes her furious every time she thinks about it. How could Ellie not see how much it took out of Dina to be there, to be a rock for her and JJ? How could she not appreciate the effort it took to be strong for them?

She thought — what exactly? It’s not like Dina hasn’t known loss. She’s lost too many people.

Ellie said that she wasn’t able to sleep, but Dina already knew that, because she wasn’t sleeping much either. She thought this pain was something they shared, but instead, all this time, Ellie thought she was alone.

Dina never said anything, and Ellie never asked. She was too focused on her own problems. They were big problems, Dina gets that, she just wishes…

She wishes that Ellie saw her for what she was, instead of this perfect human, a standard she would never be able to live up to. She always said that she didn’t deserve Dina.

Ellie always looked at her like she was some sort of angel. Like she was…. unbreakable.

Well she certainly feels broken now.

* * *

Some days, Dina hates Ellie.

* * *

Dina wakes with a start. Her dream still lingers, the feeling of Ellie’s cold skin beneath her fingers unshakeable. This time, she hadn’t even made it to Seattle; she died in the lodge, next to Joel.

Dina, as always, was too late.

She glances over at JJ — still asleep, thank god. She stands, knowing she won’t be falling back asleep any time soon, and walks over to his crib.

His skin looks soft in the moonlight. She wonders if Ellie had held him one last time before she left. Had she said goodbye?

The clock on the wall reads three when she walks downstairs. She pours herself a glass of water, hands still shaking as she holds it up to her lips. She looks at the space Ellie occupied that night, crouching as she packed her bag.

If she hadn’t come downstairs, would Ellie have left without saying goodbye? Would Dina have just found a note, like the one Tommy left for Maria before he left for Seattle. She’d like to think not, she’d like to think that Ellie loved her more than that… but she can’t shake the feeling that it’s not true.

She doesn’t go back to sleep that night. She puts on the Crooked Still record, the one that makes her think of their first kiss.

She turns the volume down as soft as it will go so she doesn’t wake the baby, and cries.

* * *

After three months she decides she needs to leave.

* * *

“You’re sure about this?”

Robin is standing in the living room. He arrived a few minutes ago to help her move. She’d packed most of their things together as best as she could. She figures it will take a few trips to get everything she needs over to the small cottage that Robin had showed her a week ago.

He found it while out hunting. He’d been nervous to tell her about it, but she was grateful that he did. This farm was just… too big to handle on her own. And going back to Jackson just wasn’t an option yet. She’s not sure it ever would be.

Robin is the closest thing she has to family now that Jesse is gone and Ellie is…

God, she doesn’t want to think about where Ellie is. She hopes to god she’s still alive.

* * *

“I’ll be back to check on you,” Robin says before he leaves. She hugs him, long and tight.

“Thank you,” she says. He smiles.

He looks like the man Jesse never got to become.

She wonders, sometimes, what her life would be like if she had never broken up with Jesse. She had loved him, once, in a teenaged sort of way. After a while, it just went flat. Their chemistry fizzled. At the end of the day it was still nice to have someone by her side, especially given that she had lost just about everyone else… but he was more a friend by the time they broke up. Her best friend, but just a friend nonetheless.

* * *

She’s been there about a month when it happens. Robin had been by earlier that day to bring her food and a new toy for JJ. She feels a little uneasy about it — Robin goes out hunting for the people of Jackson, all the food that he secures should be for them. But he insists.

“I’ll see you next week,” he says before leaving. “Give JJ my love.”

The boy had just gone down for a nap before Robin arrived. She felt bad and offered to wake him, but Robin insisted on letting him sleep. “There’s always next time,” he said.

* * *

They break in in the middle of the night. Dina is awake — because she always seems to be awake nowadays — but she doesn’t hear them.

She’s standing in the kitchen when a hand covers her mouth.

“Don’t scream,” a man’s voice says.

She doesn’t. Instead, she throws an elbow back, hitting him hard between the ribs. He doubles over, letting her go and she lunges forward, reaching for the knife sitting in the chopping block.

A meaty hand wraps around her forearm before she gets to it, swinging her around. She uses the momentum to land a punch with her right, feeling a warm burst of blood under her fist as it connects with the mans mouth.

It only takes a second before he has her other arm trapped too.

“Fucking bitch,” he says, spitting out blood. His fingers dig into her arms, and he swings her around and into the wall, knocking the breath out of her. She kicks, but isn’t able to get enough power to do any damage at this distance.

“Hey, CJ — she’s got a kid!” another voice calls from the bedroom. Her heart stops.

A second later, the man emerges, JJ awkwardly sitting in his arms.

“No!” Dina shouts, but CJ shoves her back again.

“Shut the fuck up,” he says, but she struggles against his grasp. “Hey, hey — we’re not gonna hurt him, okay? We’re not gonna hurt either of you, if you behave.”

She bristles at the word — behave, like she’s some sort of dog. But she doesn’t move, forcing herself to focus on JJ. He’s scared, his eyes filled with tears, but he hasn’t started crying quite yet.

“Listen. We’re leaving here with your kid. You can come with us, or I can kill you. Those are your only two options.” CJ takes a step back, releasing her arms. “We gonna be good?”

Dina takes a labored breath, not taking her eyes off her son. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re good.”

They don’t allow her to pack any of her own things, but let her grab a few things for JJ. She takes as many of his clothes as she can fit, knowing that he would need protection from the bitter cold. She takes his blanket, and whatever toy is lying about. She can’t find Ollie.

“Time to go,” CJ tells her a few minutes later, voice softer than it was a few minutes ago. He sounds like a different person altogether. “You got everything?”

“I’ve got enough,” she says. “Where’s my son?”

“Mark’s got him. Come on,” he says, leading her out of the room. He pauses in the doorway. “Don’t worry, we’re gonna take good care of the two of you.”

* * *

She rides on the back of Mark’s horse down the long, straight highway. It doesn’t take long for them to get outside of Jackson’s patrol territory, and she is quickly losing hope that she might run into someone who could help her. She hopes to god that Robin will be able to track her, but that seems like a long shot — he wouldn’t be at her house for another week, knowing his schedule.

They let her hold onto JJ, and she tries her best to keep him calm. A screaming baby could be a dangerous thing in this world. He’s cold, so she tucks him inside of her jacket, humming in his ear until he falls asleep.

They travel late into the night, but do stop eventually to light a fire and to sleep. She wonders, briefly, if she could wait for them to fall asleep and escape, but she’s too far to go on foot. The plan is foiled, anyway, when they announce they’ll be sleeping in shifts.

“Don’t get any ideas,” CJ says.

Still, she doesn’t sleep, and they leave as soon as there’s a hint of sun on the horizon.

* * *

“CJ and Mark are back!”

It’s been three days, and Dina is exhausted. It’s dark when they reach the camp, which is protected by a long wooden fence. An armed guard is standing at the entrance. CJ and Mark hop off their horses, and two young men rush up to lead them away.

“Careful with that,” CJ barks.

“And they’ve brought a friend,” the guard says. He lets out a low whistle as he looks at Dina. “What’s your name?”

“Fuck off,” she responds, and the man laughs.

“How pretty. It’s very nice to meet you, fuck off.” He turns his attention to the other men. “How did you make out?”

“She’s the best thing we found, and that’s not saying much,” CJ responds. “I was right, it’s all been cleared out. Too close to that fucking city.”

Jackson, Dina realizes. They must have come all that way looking for supplies.

“Shame,” the guard replies. “At least your ma will be happy. I’m sure you guys will find something soon.” He leans in closer. “Maybe next time you should bring me and leave your brother behind.”

“I can hear you, idiot,” Mark says.

The guy cracks a smile, tussling Mark’s hair. “Yeah, yeah, you know I’m just messing with you.”

Mark rolls his eyes, but doesn’t complain further. “I’m gonna take our new friend to meet mama.”

His hand lands on Dina’s arm, but his fingers don’t press into the bruised skin that CJ had left behind. She pulls JJ close to her as they walk in the dark, happy that he’s still asleep.

Mark leads her to a large cabin. “Here,” he says, and before she can argue he’s pulling JJ out of her arms. He wakes with a small cry, and Mark looks just as uncomfortable holding a baby as when he first walked out of the bedroom with JJ sitting in his arms.

“What are you —“

“Shh, shh,” he says. “It’s okay. We’re just gonna leave him here while you go meet my mother.”

He knocks on the door, and it takes a few moments before someone comes to answer it. It’s a woman, older than Dina but not yet old. Her eyes immediately find JJ.

“And who is this?” she asks, reaching forward as if she does this all the time. “A new friend?”

“JJ,” Mark says, voice short. “This is Dina, his mom. He’ll need a bath and a change of clothes in the morning.”

He hands the woman the bag that Dina had packed full of JJ’s things, and before Dina has a chance to stop them, the woman is stepping back into the building and closing the door.

Mark’s hand is back on her arm, practically dragging her away.

“What — no — you can’t —“

“We can,” Mark tells her. “Listen, I know this is hard, but this is the way it’s gonna be. Your son will be safe. No one will hurt him, but they will kill you if you struggle. So unless you want your son to grow up without a mother, you’ll be quiet and you’ll come with me.”

She notices that he says “they” when referring to whoever will kill her. It’s not a personal threat, like the one CJ had thrown at her back at her cottage.

It doesn’t bring her much comfort, but she thinks that Mark might be less likely to fight back.

She’ll remember that, when the time comes.

He leads her to an empty cabin. It looks like it could fit at least ten people, but there’s no one inside.

“Wait here,” he says. He drops his lantern on a table as he leaves the room, closing the door behind him. She hears a lock click into place, and rushes over to try the door. It rattles in its place.

There’s a window next to it, and when she looks outside she sees another man — bigger than Mark — standing guard with a gun in his hands.

“Fuck,” she whispers under her breath.

She looks around the cabin, though there’s not much to it. It looks as if there may have been people staying here at one point, a few of the beds ruffled or even unmade, but a layer of dust on some of the nightstands makes her think that it’s been a long time.

There’s a knock at the door. She hears the lock click, and a second later it swings open to reveal a middle-aged woman with a bright smile. She sets down a plate of food on the nightstand nearest to her as she walks in, then clasps her hands together in front of her as she steps forward.

“Welcome to the Haven. Sorry for the accommodations — we didn’t want to wake the others with your arrival. We’ll get you settled in somewhere a bit nicer tomorrow. I just got back from seeing your boy — cute as a button, that little face. A real breath of fresh air. The two of you are going to be _very_ happy here.”

She talks as if they know each other, as if this is a normal, every day social call. Her voice is warm, but it gives Dina chills.

“Where’s my son?” Dina asks, but the woman just shakes her head.

“We’ll get to that in a bit, my dear. Let’s focus on you, for now. What’s your name?”

“Dina,” she says.

“It’s nice to meet you, Dina. The kids call me Mama Jane, but you can just call me Jane if you’d like.”

“Where is my son, Jane?”

Jane’s lip twitches. “I told you that we’re not going to talk about that right now. Did you misunderstand?”

“No.”

She takes a step closer. “Then understand this, Dina: you have no freedom here that I don’t give to you. You’re under my care now, as is your son, and as long as you are here you will listen to me. Understood?”

Dina clenches her jaw, biting back a snappy response. “Yeah, I get it.”

“Good,” Jane says. She relaxes her shoulders, hands folding calmly in front of her. “Now, let me tell you a little about us.”

She explains how this place works. The men do the brunt of the physical labor, while the women tend to the gardens, cook the food, and care for the children among some other smaller chores. Dina thinks it’s bullshit, but she holds her tongue.

“Your son will be kept with the other kids. He’ll be under round-the-clock watch, so don’t go hatching any plans. We have a daycare, and when he’s old enough he’ll attend our school. We have quite a few good teachers.”

Dina feels queasy. “How many kids do you have here?”

“I have almost forty children.” She seems proud of this fact.

“And how many of them have you stolen?”

The sound of Jane smacking her across the face rings out in the empty room.

Dina’s eyes sting, but she doesn’t dare cry.

Jane kneels in front of her, taking her hand. “You know, you should be glad. My boys told me where they found you. You were all alone. Now, you’ve got a family. We can take care of you here.”

“I _have_ a family,” Dina spits back. She thinks of Robin, of Maria, of all the people in Jackson. Most of all, she thinks of Ellie. “They’re going to come looking for me.”

Jane looks at her, face full of pity. “Oh, dear… you don’t know how many times I’ve heard that. And you know how many times it’s actually come to be?” She pauses, shaking her head. “Zero.”

She leans forward, tucking a strand of hair behind Dina’s ear.

“This world is a dark place for a child to grow up in. You’ll see — he’ll be better off here than with any life you could ever hope to provide.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Dina says.

Jane’s hand raises again to strike her, then she seems to catch herself. She stands up, her eyes darkening as she looks down on Dina. “You will watch your mouth,” she says. “This is a family environment.”

Dina doesn’t say anything, just sets her jaw as she stares back at her. Jane draws in a deep breath through her nose, as if to calm herself. When she speaks again, the warm, cheerful tone is back.

“Your son is a part of our family now. You can either join him, or…” she trails off, leaving the threat hanging in the air.

Dina is sick at the idea of JJ growing up with these freaks, but she tries not to show any sign of fear. “I want to be with my son.”

“Good. Well then, maybe you can see him tomorrow — if you behave.”

When Jane leaves, she takes the plate of food and lantern with her, leaving Dina alone and hungry in the dark.

* * *

She’s been at the Haven a week, and she thinks she’s losing her mind.

She’s a prisoner here. They control when she wakes, when she sleeps, when she eats. They moved her into a cabin with a few of the other women. They seem entirely uninterested in her, their eyes sunken and tired. She wonders how long until she looks like them, devoid of all life and purpose.

She wonders how many of them have children here. She wonders if Jane would keep them around if they didn’t.

She’s earned the privilege of seeing JJ for an hour a day, and she spends the entire time trying not to cry at how happy he is to see her.

“It’s okay, sweet boy,” she whispers into his hair. She kisses him, wishes he could just _talk_ to her and tell her if they were hurting him at all. She would kill every last one of them.

Every day she considers fighting back, but she knows that she would lose that fight, unarmed and weak from days of not being able to sleep. It’s driving her mad.

And on top of everything else, she keeps seeing Ellie everywhere.

It’s never her, of course, but every time Dina catches a glimpse of someone with Ellie’s build, or her choppy brown hair, or a tattoo, her brain short circuits and for a moment she sees her, standing there.

The resemblance always fades as quickly as she sees it, and every time — every damn time — it breaks her heart.

* * *

Until one time, it doesn’t.

It’s early, and Dina is exhausted. She’s starting to wonder if maybe there was something to that coffee that Joel was always talking about. She hears some bustle the kitchen — normally, this early, it’s silent save for the sounds of chopping and frying — but Dina doesn’t turn around once she hears that it’s Jane with another poor soul in tow.

“And this is Dina. You’re both new, actually.”

Dina thinks she might faint. Ellie is standing in front of her, skinnier and battle-worn. Jane introduces her under a different name, and Dina blinks, expecting her imagination to fade any second into whoever is really standing before her.

It doesn’t.

“Maria?” she repeats, hoping that saying it aloud will trigger something. But nothing changes. The woman still looks just like Ellie.

“Nice to meet you.”

It’s Ellie’s voice. Dina’s eyes flit down to Ellie’s arm, to the tattoo peaking out from underneath, then back up to her steely eyes.

It’s Ellie. It’s really Ellie.

Her legs sway underneath her. Maybe she’s dreaming.

“Are you alright, dear?” Jane asks, and Dina turns her head. Ellie is here, and she’s using a fake name. Is she here to rescue her? Or did she somehow, inconceivably, get taken by the same people?

Dina shakes her head, blinking as she searches for an excuse. “I missed breakfast.”

“Oh no!” Jane says. If Dina weren’t so distracted by Ellie’s presence, she might have rolled her eyes. But she can’t take her eyes off Ellie, waiting for her to disappear at any moment.

Ellie’s alive. Ellie’s okay. Ellie’s _here._

Her heart is pounding in here ears as they wait in line, as they sit down, as they eat their food. She can’t bring herself to eat, just stares at Ellie. Her arms are smaller than they were after what looks like months of malnutrition. Her hair has grown out a bit, shaggy and unkempt. Her eyes are the same piercing green-grey.

Then Dina sees her hands. Or, more specifically, her left hand — what’s left of it, anyway. It’s missing two fingers, and there’s significant scarring up the side of it. Another chemical burn, if Dina had to guess. The wounds look healed over, old, and Dina feels like she might be sick.

“What happened to your hand?” Jane asks, as if reading Dina’s mind.

“I, uh — I lost a fight.”

She’s definitely going to be sick. Her blood rushes in her ears again, and she feels her vision swimming until Jane catches her attention, looking right at her as she speaks.

“Maria here is pregnant,” she announces, sounding gleeful. Dina’s brow pinches. If Ellie were pregnant… well, she doubts it would be a happy circumstance. She meets Ellie’s eyes as she asks Dina questions about JJ, as if she doesn’t already know the answers.

She wishes she could tell Ellie all the things that she’s missed since she decided to run off. She remembers, briefly, how mad she is at her, but can’t seem to conjure up the feeling now.

“I’m going to get a fresh cup of coffee,” Jane announces, and Dina counts her steps until she’s far enough away. She reaches for Ellie’s hand, the one that still has all her fingers.

“You’re okay,” she says, as if she has to speak it out loud for it to actually be true. “I can’t believe — where did you — what are you doing here?!”

Ellie doesn’t answer her. Infuriating. “Are you okay? Have they hurt you?”

“I’m fine,” she assures her. “How did you find me?”

Because she’s sure now, that Ellie isn’t here by happenstance. She’s here to find Dina.

“Robin followed their horse tracks,” Ellie confirms. “Practically led us right to you. Is JJ okay?”

“He’s fine,” she answers. “They only let me see him in the mornings,” she admits, ashamed of the fact that she had let anyone take her son from her. If she were stronger, like Ellie… nothing gets in between Ellie and the people she loves (besides herself, of course).

This, however, seems to break Ellie a little. Her eyes fill with tears, and her hand squeezes Dina’s, hard. “Fuck, Dina, I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t be here, I never should have —“

Dina cuts her off, partly because she can’t hear the end of that thought right now, but mostly because she’s spotted Jane, on her way back to them. She slides her hand back to her plate.

“Find me after dinner,” she whispers, and Ellie nods.

* * *

Dina counts the minutes until 8 p.m.

* * *

Ellie is waiting for her outside of the dining hall.

“I’m not really pregnant,” are the first words out of her mouth, and Dina has half a mind to smack her in the arm.

Instead, she laughs. She laughs, and Ellie cracks a smile too after a second. But then it sounds a touch hysterical, and it doesn’t take long for her laughter to dissolve into tears.

Ellie is next to her in an instant, arms wrapping around her. Dina presses her forehead into Ellie’s shoulder, still laughing through her tears. It’s an odd experience, and one she can’t explain.

She’s just so fucking happy to see Ellie.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie whispers into her hair, hands resting uncertainly against Dina’s back. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”


	5. Chapter 5

“I’m so sorry.”

Ellie holds Dina close to her. Her embrace is uncertain at first, then tightening as she begins to accept that this is real. She’s dreamed of this moment so many times now. Dina feels familiar, like everything she’d remembered and more, but also changed from the woman she knew. The months they’ve spent apart are evident in the poke of Dina’s ribs against Ellie’s, the slim frame of her torso as Ellie holds her close. She smells different, like a kitchen filled with searing meat and baking bread, but underneath — when Ellie buries her face in Dina’s shoulder — there’s still the scent of home.

Dina shakes, a sob muffled against Ellie’s shoulder. Ellie’s heart breaks at the sound of it. This is all her fault.

If she had never left, if she had just stayed with Dina…

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Dina says, voice thick with tears as she steps away from Ellie. Ellie’s arms twitch against the need to pull her back in, to hold her for just a little longer, but she resists the urge. “You _are_ okay, right?”

“Never better,” Ellie answers, and it feels honest despite her beaten and bruised body, her missing fingers, her sunken eyes.

Dina’s reaction surprises her. She nods, lets go and takes several long steps back, putting distance between them until she turns away. Ellie watches her for a moment. When she realizes Dina isn’t stopping, she jogs to catch up.

“Hey, wait,” Ellie calls, trying to keep her voice low enough to not attract attention. “Where are you —“

Dina spins to face her, fire in her eyes. “What are you doing here, Ellie?”

Ellie glances around, making sure no one heard Dina use her real name.

“I’m — I’m here for you.”

Dina scoffs. “That’s rich.”

“Oh, really?” Ellie tries not to get angry, but she doesn’t do well with confrontation, no matter how deserving she is of Dina’s ire. Her face begins to flush. “So what, you’re gonna try to tell me you were doing just fine without me?”

“Of course not,” Dina says, knowing there’s no argument there. “I just — why now? Why are you back? How did you even find me?”

Ellie wishes she could tell Dina she came back for her, but she can’t. She tells her the truth. “I was hurt and Maria saved me. She took me back to Jackson. I was only there for a day when Robin told me you had gone missing, and, well… here I am.”

It’s not the explanation she owes Dina. She should tell her that she’s sorry, that she was wrong to leave, that going to Santa Barbara was the wrong choice and she felt it in every step she took away from the farm.

But she doesn’t.

“You were hurt?” Dina asks, frowning.

“I guess I still am. I re-fractured my arm,” Ellie says, glancing down at it. It’s barely bothered her, her thoughts too focused on finding Dina. The pain in her side has dissipated too, though now that she’s realized its absence, her ribs begin to twinge again.

“Fuck, Ellie,” Dina says, eyes filling with tears once more.

Ellie doesn’t respond, just follows Dina as she trudges through the snow.

The path Dina leads them down runs between the dining hall and a tall fence. There’s no room for escape, but there’s at least a little privacy as they slowly make their way towards the cabins.

Ellie isn’t sure what to say, months worth of words suddenly trapped in her throat. She’s not sure Dina would want to hear whatever she comes up with anyway.

“Sorry,” Dina says. “I’m not trying to be… it’s just — it’s a lot, seeing you.”

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“So, what’s the plan? I mean… you _do_ have a plan, right?” Dina speaks first, eyes downcast towards the snow.

Ellie keeps her voice low as she answers, knowing there could be someone on the other side of the fence. “Yeah, we have a plan. Robin went back to Jackson for reinforcements. They’ll be here in a few days. We’re getting you and JJ out of here as soon as possible.”

Dina crosses her arms, as if she’s holding herself together, and Ellie wishes they could go back to a few minutes ago when she was the one keeping Dina from falling apart.

“He can’t get here soon enough. I’ve only been here a week and I’m losing my mind. If you hadn’t showed up today, I don’t think….” Dina trails off, then chuckles. “Let’s just say ‘Mama Jane’ and I don’t get along.”

“Really? I think she’s just lovely.”

“Shut up,” Dina says, rolling her eyes, and Ellie smiles. She’s missed this. Dina clears her throat, then glances at Ellie. “Why didn’t you go back with Robin?”

“I had to know that you were okay.”

Dina stops, leveling Ellie with a long stare. She looks like she wants to say something, to fight some more, but then she just sighs. “How’d you get in?”

“We ran into a couple of guys on patrol. I took out one and the other — Jon — told us that a woman and kid matching your description were here. He came up with the whole, uh, pregnancy thing.”

“So he knows the plan?” Dina asks. Ellie nods. “He better not tell anyone.”

“He won’t,” Ellie says, thinking back to the terrified look in Jon’s eyes after she’d bludgeoned his partner. “He wants out of here just as bad as us.”

They’ve started to walk again. The nighttime here is eerily quiet, the only sound the crunch of snow beneath their boots.

Ellie’s cabin is in sight when Dina stops to face Ellie again, hands twisting in front of her. “When we’re free… what are you going to do?”

Ellie frowns. “What do you mean?”

“Are you going to go back to Jackson?”

Dina’s face doesn’t betray her emotions, and Ellie is left fumbling for the right answer. “Uh, I… I haven’t really thought that far ahead, I guess,” she says. She knows in her heart that she wants to be wherever Dina is, but she doesn’t think Dina is ready for that response. “What about you? I saw the cottage you guys were staying in. It seemed… nice.”

“It was,” Dina nods, looking off to the side. “I don’t think we could go back there, though. Not after what’s happened — it’s not safe.” She sighs. “I guess we’ll have to go back to Jackson. JJ can be around family, at least.”

Ellie closes her eyes, thinking about the last time she’d heard that word from Dina’s lips — family.

_”She doesn’t get to be more important than that,”_ Dina’s voice is clear in her head, full of desperation and unshed tears. Ellie sighs and tries to shake it off, knowing there’s no use dwelling.

She made her choice, and it cost her her family.

“Yeah, Robin would love that,” Ellie says after a moment. Her throat is tight, and she has to struggle to get the words out.

Dina tries to smile, but it falls flat. “Yeah, he really would.”

They walk the rest of the way in silence.

“This is me,” Ellie says, nodding to the side at the cabin. There’s a warm light coming from inside, probably from Emma’s lantern.

“Okay,” Dina says, but she makes no move to walk towards the building. Her eyes are on anything but Ellie as her arms cross around her chest. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Ellie nods.

Neither of them move. Ellie takes a moment to look at Dina — really, honestly look at her for the first time since she saw her this morning. She looks exhausted, but most of all, she looks sad.

“Can I hug you?” It takes a moment for Ellie to realize that she’s the one speaking. Dina looks like she might argue for a second, like she knows that she doesn’t owe Ellie anything, especially not this. But then her shoulders slump, the fight suddenly gone from her, and before Ellie can process it Dina quickly closes the distance between them.

She knows they need to keep this short — if anyone sees them, they might realize that she and Dina know each other, and Ellie doesn’t want to answer any questions. Still, she can’t help but bury her nose into Dina’s hair, holding her close as she can to her.

If she closes her eyes, she could maybe pretend that everything was back to normal, that they still had their life back on the farm, that she hadn’t destroyed it all. She keeps them open, staring at the bright white snow on the ground that’s quickly blurring with tears.

They pull away after a few seconds, but Dina’s fingers curl around Ellie’s elbow, keeping her close.

“Ellie, I — “

The door to the cabin swings open, and Dina’s hand falls away from Ellie’s arm.

“Thought I heard voices,” Emma says. She takes a step out onto the landing, eyes darting between Ellie and Dina. “You must be… Dina, was it?”

Dina is skeptical as she nods. “Yeah. And you are?”

“Emma,” Ellie’s temporary roommate introduces herself. “Maria said she was looking for you. Said you were JJ’s mom — he’s a cutie, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Dina says.

“You two old friends, right?”

“Not exactly,” Dina says. “But we do know each other.”

Ellie tries not to flinch. She knows it’s a smart lie — but then again, it might not be a lie. She’s not sure how Dina would define their relationship right now.

“I’m glad you two found each other — it’s good to have a friend in this place.”

Something in the way Emma’s eyes flick between Ellie and Dina make her uncomfortable.

“We’re more… acquaintances,” Ellie corrects her.

Emma shrugs. “It’s more than most people have here.”

“I should probably head back,” Dina says. “It was nice to meet you. But I’ll see you tomorrow, Maria?”

It takes Ellie a second to register her alias. “Bright and early,” she says with a nod.

“Good.” Dina doesn’t say anything else before she turns around and walks back the way they came. Ellie watches her leave, wondering if they had passed Dina’s cabin on the way over. It would probably be good to know where she’s staying, just in case.

“She’s not very friendly,” Emma says.

Ellie doesn’t take her eyes off of Dina’s retreating form. “Well, it’s like I said — we aren’t exactly friends.”

* * *

Ellie finds Dina alone in the kitchen when she arrives the next day. The morning light coming through the window is filtered by the dust of flour in the air. Dina stands in the in front of one of the counters, an apron hanging from her shoulders as she stirs something in a large bowl.

“Morning,” Ellie says, voice still raspy from the little sleep she got.

Dina looks up at her and smiles, no trace of the anger from last night left on her face. “Hey.”

Ellie looks around the empty kitchen. She was expecting a lot more hustle and bustle. “Where is everyone?”

“Martha and Paula are in my cabin. I told them they could take their time this morning — it’s hard to find a minute alone around here.”

“Oh, uh — sorry for interrupting?” Ellie says, unsure of where they stand after their conversation last night.

Dina shakes her head. “I meant a minute alone with you.”

“Oh,” Ellie nods. “Okay, cool.”

“I found this,” Dina says, pulling something out from behind a box. It’s a plain, black book. “They use them to write down their recipes. I figured you didn’t really bring anything with you and thought maybe you might like to have a journal.”

She seems nervous, as if she’s embarrassed to have even thought of it, and Ellie melts a little. “Thank you,” she says, reaching for the book. Their hands touch, and Ellie slows for a moment to enjoy the feeling.

“It was nothing,” Dina says, and Ellie decides to leave it there. She tucks the journal into her waistband. “C’mon, we’re making a cake.”

Ellie follows her as she walks to the back oven where she first saw Dina the other day.

“A cake, huh? What are we celebrating?”

“It’s the winter birthdays,” Dina explains.

“The winter what?”

Dina nods. “I guess it would be too much to have a birthday party for each kid — and not every kid here really knows their birthday, anyway. So they celebrate them once a season. Everyone’s been talking about it since the day I got here.”

“I’m sure it’s a real bash,” Ellie says, voice dry.

“Hey — where there’s a cake, there’s a party.”

* * *

They work all morning together, not speaking much after the other women arrive. Once the cake is baking, they start to prepare breakfast. They slice loaves of bread, fry up eggs, and cut up meat leftover from the night before. Ellie’s stomach growls, but Dina told her that they won’t get to eat until after everyone else, when there’s not much left besides bread ends and cold eggs.

She looks forward to it, anyway.

They’re nearing breakfast when CJ walks into the kitchen with a smile on his face that makes Ellie’s skin crawl.

“Morning, beautiful,” he says, directing his smile at Dina.

Dina glances up at him, face devoid of all interest. “Oh, CJ — have you met Maria?”

Ellie doesn’t smile as he looks at her. He nods towards her, but doesn’t say anything before he walks around the counter. Dina is quick to put some space between them, walking over to check the oven.

“Smells good in here. You all ready for tonight?” he asks.

“Working on it,” Martha responds. “The cake should be done soon.”

He doesn’t acknowledge her, instead still focused on Dina. “You know I’m a winter birthday?”

“Wow, really?” Dina says, and Ellie has to stifle a laugh at her lack of interest.

“Yep. Twenty-nine this year.”

“Impressive,” Dina says.

“How old are you?”

“Twenty,” Dina responds, another one-word answer.

Ellie’s smile falls — she’d missed Dina’s birthday.

CJ seems to finally pick up on Dina’s lack of interest in a conversation with him. He straightens, looking around the kitchen. “Got any coffee for me this morning?”

Dina freezes. “Sorry, we were busy with the cake. If you give me just a few —“

She doesn’t finish her sentence. CJ’s lip curls in an angry sneer as he straightens. “Look, Dina, I know you’re new here or whatever, but you need to learn to prioritize. I have to lead a hunting party this morning. I don’t have time to wait for you ladies to bake some silly cake.”

Ellie bristles at his tone, but Dina just blinks at him.

“Right,” Dina says, drawing out the word. “So… do you want me to make it?”

“Forget it,” CJ says. Dina catches Ellie’s eye, and she knows that if she could, she’d be rolling them. Seeing Dina’s blasé reaction, Ellie unclenches her fists — but she’d still like to deck the guy.

He doesn’t say anything before leaving, and Ellie lets out a low whistle once he’s gone. “ _Someone_ isn’t a morning person,” she says.

She’s rewarded with a laugh from Dina, and her chest swells with happiness at the sound.

* * *

They spend the entire day cooking. Ellie is exhausted by the end of it, having burned more things than she can count. But she’s with Dina, and that makes it all a little better.

They take their break together in the morning and the afternoon, but they can’t leave the kitchen, and only have a few minutes each time to scarf down whatever is left.

A lanky teen walks in after they’re done eating with a basket full of vegetables. “Delivery,” he says, cheerful.

“Charlie, hey!” Dina says. Ellie is surprised to see that her smile is genuine. “What do you have for us?”

“Uh, let’s see — brussel sprouts… carrots, and uh — whatever this thing is.” He holds a bulb up by its green stalk.

“Those are turnips,” Dina informs him. Ellie wrinkles her nose — garden duty was always her least favorite before she was allowed to hunt in Jackson. Dina must’ve liked it, apparently.

“What do they taste like?” the kid asks.

“Wait until tonight and you’ll see,” Dina replies. She looks up to find Ellie watching her. “Oh, Charlie, this is my — this is Maria. She’s new here.”

He surprises Ellie by sticking out his hand. “My brothers told me about you,” he says.

“Your brothers?” Ellie asks, shaking his hand.

“Yeah — Mark and CJ, I think you’ve met them.”

Ellie’s grip tightens — one of Mama Jane’s sons. He doesn’t seem as bad as the others, but the association still leaves a bad taste in her mouth.

Dina waits until he’s left for another bushel before she turns back to Ellie. “He’s harmless,” Dina whispers.

“You sure?”

“Enough,” Dina says with a shrug. “He’s been nice to me, anyway. He’s usually watching over the kids with his brother Jack, and sometimes he’ll let me sneak some extra time with JJ. Not sure why they have him in the gardens today.”

Ellie hums. She supposes he can’t be that bad if he lets Dina see her son. “So, what do we do with these… um, turnips?”

Dina laughs. “My god, how have you not withered away?”

The “without me” is left hanging off her sentence, and Ellie’s smile falters. “Lot’s of protein?” she offers, and Dina just rolls her eyes.

“C’mon. I’ll show you.”

* * *

They clean, prep and cook the vegetables along in a stew along with rabbits that CJ’s hunting party brought back the day before. Ellie happily volunteers to clean the meat, glad that there’s something that she at least knows how to do.

Dina leaves after dinner to get JJ. She usually takes off for an hour to see him during the day, but since today is the party they make her wait until everything is ready. “I’ll see you tonight?” Dina says as she puts on her coat.

“Yeah,” Ellie says, aware of Martha standing just a few feet away. “I can’t wait to meet your son.”

“You’ll love him.”

* * *

Jane walks in and dismisses Ellie and the other women a few minutes after Dina leaves, saying they can go get cleaned up before the party tonight.

“I’ve asked a few of the other women to help serve the food at tonight’s event, so you all can be with your families.” Her eyes land on Ellie. “Oh, Maria! I almost forgot you were back here. I can’t wait for you to finally meet everyone tonight.”

Ellie’s smile is grim. “Yeah, me either.”

Emma is at the cabin when Ellie returns. She’s in the middle of pulling a shirt over her head, and yelps when Ellie walks in without knocking.

“Sorry, sorry,” Ellie says, averting her eyes.

“It’s fine, I’m just — it’s been a few weeks since anyone else lived in here. I’ll get used to it.”

“Right.” Ellie shuffles her feet, unsure of where to look. “How was your day?”

“Okay. I spent most of it trying to put together a present for my brother. He’s celebrating his birthday tonight. It’s his first since we arrived here, so I’m trying to make it at least a little normal.”

“That’s sweet,” Ellie says.

“What are you wearing?”

Ellie shrugs, turning to the pile of clothes that she left on the bed this morning. “Um, I don’t know. This, I guess?” She grabs a hoodie at random, and Emma shakes her head.

“Oh, no — Jane will hate that,” Emma says. “You need some proper party attire.”

* * *

Emma walks with Ellie into the dining hall. Ellie is uncomfortable in the brightly colored shirt that Emma had lent her. She at least managed to insist that she wasn’t wearing a skirt, no matter what Mama Jane would think of her outfit.

Emma quickly excuses herself to go find her brother, leaving Ellie awkwardly alone. She tries her best to avoid the gaze of just about everyone, finding a spot in the back of the room, away from the others.

Ellie spends every second scanning the room for Dina. The party began twenty minutes ago, but there’s still no sign of her (or JJ, for that matter). She’s trying her best not to worry, but she keep remembering what Dina said earlier about her relationship with Jane, and the guard who said Dina was “done for” if she didn’t apologize to Jane.

Ellie wonders if she ever had.

She’s beginning to have trouble quelling her anxiety when Dina finally walks into the room, JJ propped against her hip. She looks nice, refreshed after a long day in the kitchen, and Ellie’s heart stops.

It doesn’t take long for Dina’s eyes to find her, and she smiles. Ellie watches as Dina says hi to a few people along the way, and Ellie, impatient, pushes off the wall to make her way towards her. Dina stops to talk to someone in the middle of the room, and Ellie stands behind them as she waits, hands tucked into her back pockets.

A few seconds later, Dina turns. The way JJ’s face lights up at the sight of her makes Ellie want to cry.

He squeals, arms reaching for her, and Dina laughs. “Whoa there, buddy,” she says as he squirms. Her words do little to calm him, and Dina closes the distance between them, holding him out. “Looks like he wants to say hi.”

“Hi,” Ellie responds, voice a choked whisper.

“This is Maria,” Dina says as she hands him over. Ellie frowns, confused until she looks up and sees Jane’s eyes on her. “And this is JJ.”

“What’s up, JJ?”

He gurgles. He’s gotten heavier, his hair a little longer and fuller (though still wispy). JJ’s hands land on her face with a heavy smack, and Ellie laughs.

“Looks like he likes you.” Ellie looks up to see Jane, looking at them with an unreadable expression. “You must have a way with kids.”

Ellie shifts JJ in her arms, though he continues to poke at her face. “Uh, yeah. I guess.”

“We’ll have to get you into the daycare sooner rather than later. I’ll see if the girls have room for you next week.”

“Sure,” Ellie says, but she’s thinking: _you’ll be dead by then._

The thought doesn’t bring her any grief.

* * *

Jane insists on bringing Ellie around to meet more people at the party. She wishes she could think of an excuse, a reason to spend more time with JJ and Dina, but she comes up blank.

She wastes the rest of the evening being led around by the elbow, stealing glances at JJ whenever she can. She loses count of how many people Jane tells about “Maria’s” pregnancy.

“You’re glowing!” one older man cheerfully tells her, and Ellie swallows a laugh, knowing that she’s anything but.

After, she finds Dina leaning against the stage at the front of the room. JJ isn’t with her anymore, and Ellie figures he must be asleep by now.

“Sorry, I tried to find you. They took him to bed,” Dina says as soon as Ellie settles in next to her.

“It’s okay,” Ellie says, trying to quash her disappointment. “It was… really good to see him.”

Dina looks at her, and Ellie wishes she knew what Dina was thinking. Her eyes look sad, but she wears a small, soft smile. “He’s missed you.”

Ellie looks away, knowing she can’t cry here. She nods, swallowing against the lump in her throat. Her voice quivers as she speaks. “I’ve missed you both so much.”

She hears Dina sigh. She doesn’t think that Dina will respond after a minute of silence, but Ellie isn’t going to push. She’s lost her right to say things like that to Dina.

“You should have never left.”

“I know,” Ellie agrees. She doesn’t qualify it, doesn’t try to tell Dina that she _had_ to go, that it was the right thing for her to do.

They stand there in silence, side by side, watching as the room buzzes around them. After a few minutes, Dina inches closer, their shoulders brushing as they lean against the stage together.

“I missed you too,” she whispers. Ellie steals a glance at her, finding Dina’s eyes looking at her, cautious but sincere.

Ellie’s burn with unshed tears.

* * *

That night, Ellie waits until Emma is asleep, listening for the sound of even breathing. Once she’s certain the girl is out for the night, she sits up, pulling the journal out from where she’d stashed it beneath her pillow.

The moon is bright against the snow outside, casting enough light for her to see easily, and Ellie sits on the floor next to the window. She hasn’t written anything since she got back from Santa Barbara, her mind stagnant and empty.

Her fingers ghost over the pages, crisp and white.

Once she puts her pen to the paper, she can’t stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm clearly not a poet, but I thought Ellie would definitely need to get out some writing during this trying time. Thank you so much for all your comments! Please feel free to hit me up on tumblr @aka-patsywalker :)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! i'm on tumblr at @aka-patsywalker if you'd like to chat.


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